Who am I pleasing?

I accidentally found a great book that I want to recommend:  Women Who Try too Hard:  Breaking the Pleaser Habits by Dr Kevin Leman.

I was looking for another book and found this one in my search.  I'll say that not all of this book applies to me, but I got some great nuggets from it.  I'll share a few:

*You can be a "pleaser" and not be a doormat.  I love pleasing people, but this book reminded me that it's my choice to please others.  It's OK to disappoint others, too when I say no.

*Being a perfectionist isn't that great.  In this book, there's a wonderful chart that compares what a perfectionist expects and what someone who has high expectations of herself expects.  Being a perfectionist is tiring and exhausting.  Pre-kids, I wouldn't have considered myself a perfectionist.  I enjoyed teaching, my home and my life.  I didn't feel like I needed a tight grip to be OK.  And then kids came along and I felt overwhelmed by not measuring up.  What a lie.  I cringe that I bought into it for so long (and continue to when I stop paying attention).

The perfectionist vs non-perfectionist basically comes down to what Aaron and I call the "growth mindset."  We read a book a few years back that discussed the difference between the growth mindset--one that believes change is possible--as opposed to the closed mindset--one that believes change isn't possible.

Just the other day we had a tiff about our new dog.  He's irritating.  At just the worst time--when I'm preparing dinner--he gets super hyper and wants to pay with the boys when they don't want anything to do with him.  This is a problem.  We finally agreed that the growth mindset was needed here.  I had to become the boss of the dog and the situation.  I did and even though the dog still isn't my favorite thing in my life, that hour is much improved.

The other day I did an exercise video (yes, I enjoy those) that I got on NetFlix.  It was hip hop.  I'm not a hip hop girl but I sure enjoy dancing like a crazy person around my living room.  And I didn't follow the instructor exactly.  At first I was bothered that I wasn't exactly doing what she was, but then I realized my way was more fun for me so I should just enjoy it.  And I did.

*Dr Lehman made the argument that to have a strong self-esteem you need to believe in God's love for you.  That was nice to hear.  I'm really working on reminding myself that God loves me for who I am regardless of what I do or how well I do it.  I had no idea how little I accepted God's unconditional love for me until recently.  What a beautiful realization.

*I can do things that are pleasing for others, but I can do them because it's fun for me.  In our Sunday School class, it's easy to see what parts of the body we are.  Jenny who organizes the backpack ministry is the heart, Rachel who sends out the weekly emails and organizes us is the brain, many of the men are the mouths and others have their places.  I thought I was another mouth because I talk enough for me and Aaron, but I've realized I'm the eyes.  I have a heart for those just outside the fold.  When visitors come, it's very important to me that they feel included and welcomed.

On this, I decided to make a bulletin board for our class.  In years past, we have shared classroom space with the PK choir so we haven't had use of the bulletin boards.  Now, the boards are empty.  Not fun.  So, I decided to use them to spruce up our classroom a bit.  I took pictures of everyone and asked them to fill out a very small info blurb.  I met with mild resistance but they complied.  I had lots of fun getting the necessary cute stuff for the bulletin board to make it look nice. 

We actually have a artist type in our class who could do this same project and make it look 200% better than I will.  But that's OK.  She's on the church's building committee and her cup is full with that.  I'm excited to do it so that when a couple comes in, they can see that they have things in common with those of us in the room.  That's a good thing to see.  When I finish it up I doubt I'll get cheers but I'm not doing it for those already in the group.  God gave me the vision to see what a small thing like a bulletin board can be for someone looking to find a place to belong.  And I'm blessed that I have the time available to do it.

The book talks a lot about women who are much more dependent on pleasing others than I am.  I am what he calls a "positive pleaser" which means I do like pleasing, but I do it in a way that's positive for me.  Most of the time.  Not so much with my parents--I do try too hard to gain their approval.  At least I know that so I can work to do better with it in the future.

It's so nice to know that at 34 I'm still growing and improving.  I want to enjoy my life, not waste it away hoping for the approval of others.  Wish it were easier to do, but it's nice to know I have a choice in the matter.