Friday, December 19, 2014

white space

The concept of white space intrigues me. Without the white space on the page there's chaos. The challenge is to allow for that margin of white space in our own lives.

How do I do that? By choosing wisely. I've found that white space is what energizes my soul. Today it was watching son #2 enjoy the magic of his school Christmas party. Seeing the joy in his eyes was precious.

Before the party,I cleaned of the stairs. A task that took less than 15 minutes made me feel fantastic. Afterwards,I played Christmas songs on the piano. Sweet #3 asked me to get out the musical instruments so we could jam. And we did to "Go tell it on the mountain". Sweet moment.

My boys are home and our routine is out the window. Today I'm still going to fold laundry and cook supper, but I'm also intentionally taking time to build in white space. I'm looking forward to doing my fave yoga DVD later today.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Christmas binder

I made a Christmas binder a few years ago. I saw the idea on a blog and thought it would make for the perfect Christmas. I've learned through the years a few lessons about that.

1- expecting anything in life to be perfect is a surefire way to be let down. The more I plan, the more can go wrong. I married a man that is anti planning. I've learned that so much of his time is dictated in his job that when he's home he really wants to be free. I haveto accept where he is in his life which can be tricky when I love a good plan.

2- I've learned to plan activities in pencil and keep expectations low. It's taken time, but I'm learning to be more of a Mary and less of a Martha.

3- i'm also learning to enjoy parts of the binder that are uniquely mine. For example, I write a letter to myself every year. Sometimes it's an actual letter and sometimes it's an after action report written in bullet form. It's very useful for this time of year.

I already have my Christmas cards done.I learned a few years ago that waiting on them stresses me out so now I take advantage of sales on shutterfly and do them in Oct. I like that they are done and in my closet waiting for me.

4-Gift giving isn't my strength. Aaron loves it so he has that job. When I let go of that Christmas got a lot more fun for me.

5- I used to wait to get the binder out and then be surprised by black Friday. No longer. I am going to shop on black Friday and am looking forward to it. I need new boots. I have lovely cowboy boots from last Christmas but I need to replace my riding boots. Great sales are coming for those. Here I come!

Saturday, November 22, 2014

changeless

This morning we took our boys to a mythbusters exhibit at a museum. Very fun. Now we're back home and I'm working through 48 days. I'm finding it's a tricky thing to be relaxed enough to take the time to search my soul and dream about the future. I'm accepting that I can do what I can when I can and I'm ok with that.

Today's brain candy: "the only way we can handle change around us is to know what is changeless about ourselves." -Stephen covey

There's a lot there. What is changeless about me? I'm not all that sure. Motherhood has done a number on me. I'm glad I chose to stay home, but it's been rough.I'm seeing this year that being back at work while being a mom is a new challenge.

Friday, November 21, 2014

advent calendar dilemma

I love advent. I grew up celebrating advent at my church. It's a time of getting ready for Christmas.

Enter motherhood. When my twins were 2, I remember using an afternoon naptime to make an advent calendar. It was precious. We had a wonderful time with it. At age 3 I got to watch them really get that Jesus is the reason for Christmas. Super cool.

Last year, my brother gave my boys a Lego advent calendar which they loved. I looked for another one, but they are pricey.

Now, I'm thinking that maybe it's ok to not do an advent calendar this year. I'm torn.I want Christmas to be special, but I also know the more stuff I add to our days the less of me I have to give.

I'll keep thinking on it.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

wingman

 I have a cold. Yuck. Not bad enough to not teach my class at 1230, but bad enough to want to rest. So,I asked my husband to take #3 to mdo so I could stay home to rest until I need to drive to my school to teach. He said yes and was happy to help.

This time at home this morning has been a huge blessing.wise choice on my part. Figuring out how to balance work, home and motherhood is rough. Today I think I made a huge step in doing it well. I didn't spring the request on him. Instead,I asked nicely and gave him plenty of time to be able to say yes easily.

It's good to have a wing man.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

48 days for some direction

I haven't blogged in a while because my computer is misbehaving. My IT guy/ sweet husband is on it, but it's slowed down my blogging.

Well, I've had my new teaching job for 1/4 of the school year now.  There are parts of it I love and parts that are thumbs down. I'm learning some great lessons as I go. The best so far is that I can't let my emotions ebb and flow with how my job makes me feel. I'm teaching middle schoolers for the first time after teaching elementary my whole career; needless to say I've had a steep learning curve. Not so fun.

I'm fluent in Spanish and love the language. I love the way the grammar flows together and the elegance of the way the language sounds. Writing on my Spanish blog makes me soul sing. Teaching it to beginners just doesn't. Part of me feels like a snob but the other part of me sees this as a gift. I'm getting a chance to try on something new. It may be a great fit with some tweaks or there may be something else for me.

I believe that God called me back in 2002 to teach. I loved it. It's 12 years laterand I'm not the same woman I was. Motherhood has matured and humbled me. The other day while talking to a friend, she pointed out that my passions about being a bilingual teacher didn't really involve teaching; they involved being the champion for the families and children as they assimilated into American culture. Could it be possible to find a job in that arena but not the classroom? I hadn't even considered that.

So,I downloaded 48 days to the work you love by Dan Miller. Aaron read it a few years ago and was blessed by it.

Now it's my turn.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

My nemisis, JT Cluck

Last spring we took 7 chickens from the kinder classes.  When you take baby chicks, you hope for hens but roosters can happen.

We ended up with 3 hens and 4 roosters.  The cute baby chicks are now grown and the roosters just aren't my favorite creatures in the world.  Honestly, I don't care that much for the hens either because they're shifty looking.  Yes, I realize I sound ridiculous but it's my yard and my blog so I'm going to write about my ridiculousness.

The king rooster of pack is the only white one and I call him JT Cluck.  I took that name from the Hank the Cowdog series.  He's the boss of that chicken crew and not very friendly.

JT is leading the rest of the flock to leave their chicken yard (a portable electric fence that doesn't seem to even slow them down) and they are getting into the ditch, eying my front yard.

I put up with a lot.  I currently have a broken downstairs toilet that I wish were working for a play date we're hosting on Halloween.  My dishwasher is broken and I've gotten used to washing by hand.  In the grand scope of the world, these are small potatoes and I'm looking at the small inconviences as a way to be more thankful for what we have.  Like running water that's hot quickly and boys who are potty trained.

But I draw the line at JT being in my yard.  My husband's solution?  The racoons will get them if they're not smart enough to stay in the fence.  Hmmm....I'm no animal activist, but that strikes this city girl as not a great plan.

So here's me, resigning that this life won't be perfect.  Toilets will break.  Dishwashers will, too.  Roosters will eye my yard.  But there will be a day that we'll have money in the budget for a wonderful chicken set up (here's me being jealous of Nea and her hens' lovely digs), my appliances will work and maybe I'll even be more appreciative of the loveliness of chickens. 

For today, I'm accepting that God never promised me a rose garden.  I'm going to focus instead on the blessings I see around me:  a sweet little boy whose clothes don't match (he insisted on wearing red shorts with his Aggie football jersey) but whose heart is precious, a car that I can depend on to get us where we need to go and a husband who provides a safe home and living for us.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Laughter and tears

Mondays are my days to be on my own for a bit while I wait for #3 to finish up in school.  I've learned to run errands and also relax during this time.

Today I had the luxury of reading a wonderful new book in a coffee shop.  It was great--I had a great cup of coffee, a pastry and a book.  The pastry was so so (anyone else think they like pumpkin stuff more than they actually do?) but the coffee was good.  The book was fantastic!

I love Hank the Cowdog.  My husband grew up reading the series and my boys and I have listened to many of them on CD in the car.  I'm at the point where I read them on my own so I can quickly read them and fully enjoy them.

There's a sweet love story between the cowboy Slim and Viola, the sweet gal down the road.  He proposed in the last book and I just had to know if they were actually going to get married.

I won't ruin the story for you, but there I sat, by myself in a coffee shop, laughing out loud and shedding a number of tears and loving every minute of it.

There's nothing like a great book.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Still waters

Being at a place of rest is tricky.  In the search of it, I've bought CDs that have water sounds, instrumental versions of fave hymns and books on yoga.  I'm still not very good at it.

I will say I'm getting better.  As I read The Cure for the Perfect Life, there were little quizes at the beginning of each chapter so you could tell if the chapter's topic was something that kept you from finding peace.  The chapter on people pleasing was written for me.  One of the quiz questions was something I had never thought of.  I don't remember the exact wording, but the gist was that when something goes wrong for someone, I feel bad and look to blame myself as opposed to simply acknowledging that bad things happen every day and this was what happened to them today.  This would be how my husband views life.  He takes responsibility when it's his to take, but he doesn't borrow it like I do.

Wow.  What clarity this brought me.  Somewhere along the line I decided I was personally responsible for making everyone around me happy.  That's fine if you're the hostess at a baby shower and for that 2 hours you attend to the needs of others or if I enjoy offering encouragement to those around me to brighten their day.  But it's not OK if I allow outside circumstances to dictate how I feel.  It's not fair to my family or to me.

So today I'm in a bit of a funk.  I won't go into it (you're welcome) but I said no to going to something that my mom really wanted me to go to.  It upset her.  The easy thing to do would have been to say yes, but it would have been a huge hardship for my family.  I'm at a point in my life that I would prefer to upset someone now and deal with that than be the one upset later because I said yes when I should have said no.  That said, it still stings a bit.

This week I felt like I had my new "normal" down and it felt good.  And then something I hadn't planned on in my new job was added to me.  Not something huge and something that I can't do, but still more is more.  I know I can adjust my routine to accomodate this new thing and it will be fine, but I can't rest until I've done that.  Silly.

Still waters can't just wait until I have all my work done.  God wants me to rest by them regularly.  He tells me so in Psalm 23.  In the mornings during my quiet time the house is still and I love the peace of that time.  I wish I could figure out how to shut off the expectations, the noise and the outside stuff that keeps me from finding those still waters at other times, too.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Finding my art

Today I heard the beautiful phrase:  Your art is what makes you come alive.  What a beautiful concept.  #3's art is creating with Legos.  He makes all sort of crazy things, like tiny vacuum cleaners and cameras.  It's pretty darn cute.  His brothers, on the other hand, still enjoy using Legos as a road block to watch demolition as they run Hot Wheels into them.  Such loud little people.

My art isn't traditional;  drawing, painting and sculpting aren't strong suits.  I love music and I do well enough, but I wouldn't win American Idol.  I sang a solo last night at church and did a good job.  My aim was to share a beautiful song with my church family and I did it.  But it's not what makes me come alive.

I come alive in the beauty of Spanish.  The way the words flow, how the syntax comes together perfectly and the lovely sounds of the pure vowels.  For me, it's an art form.  I'm enjoying teaching it and sharing my passion with children.

Another art form for me is connecting with others.  #3 asked me last week why the flags were at half mast.  I told him in simple terms it was because of 9/11.  Today he brought it up again and said he didn't like 9/11.  I told him I don't either, but God is bigger than any evil in this world.  We had a neat talk about that.  Even though I wouldn't have chosen that topic, that moment was art.

Last week we began a new MOPs year.  I am a small group discussion leader.  It's been a few years since I've had that job and it's nice to see that I've grown since before.  When I did it before, I had in my mind what a perfect leader would do and I would feel so defeated that I couldn't be perfect even though I gave all I had.

Now, I realize that perfect is an illusion.  God called me to be faithful in all I do, not perfect.  As I write this, laundry needs to be folded.  A "perfect" mom would be doing that instead of this.  However, my husband will be home before long and this is my way to recharge.  Sifting through my feelings by writing is a way for me to create art and refresh my spirit.  Folding laundry will get done later.  It's not art.  Necessary, but not art.

Last weekend, I sat and watched Pride and Prejudice and loved every luxurious moment of it.  Today I had the chance to enjoy a cup of coffee and a wonderful new book.  Those moments are good.  With all the busy swirling around me, I love that I can finally be at a place where I know I deserve time for myself and I'm brave enough to take it.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

It's enough

Today I have quite a to do list.  A good portion of it was work related.  I finished what I needed to do and then I realized I hadn't done one last thing.  Before doing it, I asked myself if it needed to be done.  Nope.  So I chose not to do it. 

Freedom!

I even marked it off my to do list, choosing to leave it not done.  Let's take a moment and laugh that I had to cross it off even though I didn't do it because looking at it not crossed off was stressing me out.

I always fold laundry on Fridays.  I have for 7 years now.  Yesterday I chose not to because there was a MOPs meeting, a grocery run and lunch with #3 to help fill up his mommy tank which has gotten very low this week.  By the time we got home, it was almost time to pick up 1st graders from school.  I could have rushed around and attended to laundry, but instead of read over my MOPs stuff, chatted with a friend about the fantasticness of MOPs and put everything away while he watched a favorite show.  I knew there would be time today for laundry, and there is.

As I'm praying for wisdom about balancing work, family, home, relationships, etc I'm finding that if I overthink what all I'm doing right now I get overwhelmed.  However, if I just do the next task and take a deep breath, it's OK.

Granted, I couldn't keep up my current pace forever but it's OK for right now.  All 3 boys have their birthday party next weekend and there's added stress from that.  I don't love party planning, but I can choose if it stresses me out or not.

Tomorrow night at church, my boys are going to sing a song for the first time.  They don't really want to practice.  Part of me wants to crack the whip and tell them they have to because they really don't sound that great, but I'm choosing to not make a huge deal out of it.  They'll do their best and we'll focus on it being worship for the Lord.  Next time we'll work on making it a bit more polished.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Listing the chores

I had a moment yesterday morning when I felt mad.  Mad that I have so many household duties.  I spoke with my husband about it and he graciously agreed that now I'm back at work part-time, it's unfair that I'm still doing the vast majority of the household tasks. 

As a way to fix this, I told him I would list everything I do to make our home and family run and then we would discuss how to split things up.  Today I started that list.  It's long.

I'm such a people pleaser that this confrontation was hard for me and afterwards I felt bad.  However, for 7 years I've been home full-time and I've done a good job with the tasks I've been responsible for.  The day has come for what I'm responsible for to shift.

I look forward to having a talk with Aaron where we discuss the tasks and discuss what he wants to do, what the boys can take more responsibility for and what will be my responsibilities.

Growing pains are a part of life.  As I grow into being a working mom, I have to let the guilt I tend to carry about not doing everything perfectly go.  A 90% is still an A.  A mom in the moment, happy with her life is even better.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Chickens, snakes & lawns

I checked this book out the other day.  It's a book about enjoying chicken raising.  Checking this book out falls under the category of "Things I do so I can better enjoy the agricultural life that chose me."

I thumbed through the first chapter and enjoyed it.  Today I'll skim through more of it and see if it tickles my fancy.  Not holding my breath, but at least I'm giving it the old college try.

This afternoon per my request, our Sunday School class is coming over for a fellowship.  Just a come and go time for the families to spend some time together.  Many have games, karate meets, etc that fill up Saturdays so I'm not even sure if anyone will come out, but the house had to be cleaned regardless.

The trick with Aaron working full time while also trying to get our farm off the ground is that his time is at a premium.  Seeds had to get planted today.  So, in an effort to support him, I volunteered to mow the lawn and clean the house, freeing him up to do what he needed to do at the farm. 

I'm not opposed to mowing the lawn, but our riding lawn mower has been converted into his tractor, so this meant doing our sizable lawn with the push mower.  Not the easiest, but I like exercise so I got to work.  I did a "good enough" job, knowing it will have to be done again before too long.  At least it's good enough that I won't be embarrassed if/when friends come over.

As I was mowing, a little snake slithered out of my path.  The prissy part of me wanted to go in and quit at that point, but I'm not strong enough to restart the mower if it turns off and I don't like having to call Aaron back to help, so I kept at it.  The snake was clearly more scared of me and the mower than I was of him.

One of my sons brought me water a few times as I kept truckin'.  I'm pretty proud of the job I did.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Library bliss

My husband works in a really nice, huge library.  He's the financial director  of it, so even though he's not a librarian, he gets to be surrounded by books.  What a perfect fit for our family.

Yesterday I had time between dropping off #3 at his MDO and teaching my class at 12:30.  What to do?  I took a walk, had a late breakfast at Chick fil a and then went to the library.

The walk was fantastic.  We're studying the book of Luke at CBS, so I listened to our chapter as I walked.  Very cool.  Chick fil a is always great and even better when I'm not policing my kids in the play place.  But the best was the library.

I've decided I'm going to do a Spanish-speaking country spotlight each week for my older class.  I'm going to start with Mexico so I can tie in their Independence Day on Sept 16.  Problem is I don't know much about it, but I took the time yesterday to do a bit of research.  I had honestly forgotten how much I love learning something new that I'm passionate about.  After a bit of reading, I could easily fill a whole class period just on the historical significance of that holiday.  Of course, the challenge for me will be how to teach just a snapshot of it.  My goal is to introduce it and then make a homework assignment about it if they're really interested.

It feels so good to use my brain again!  I love that it's still there and in working order!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

92 is still an A

I finished reading The Cure to the Perfect Life by Kathi Lipp and it was a great thing to read right now.  I'm transitioning from staying home full time, which while a blessing, was a real challenge for me.  Now, I'm part-time teaching and I'm figuring out how to balance my time as I go.

Yesterday was the first day and overall, it went well.  It went better than I thought it would.  Had I been stepping into the kind of teaching I used to do, I think it would have been fantastic.  However, what I'm doing now is very new for me and I'm figuring it out as I go.

If I had to give myself a grade on how yesterday went overall, I would give myself a 92%.  There were some things that weren't perfect, but all in all a great day.  I read in the book about a woman who was told by her boss that 90% is still an A.  Wise words.

I'm bothered by the 8% that wasn't perfect yesterday.  Geesh.  I've got to let it go!  I asked my husband how he walks away from his job and leaves it there.  He said he just does.  Lucky duck.  I just don't work like that.  But it's my goal to learn.

This week is weird with having Labor Day and with my classes starting, so I'm giving myself permission to do as I need to this week.  However, next week I'm going to log how I spend my days.  The quantity of time I spend on housework tasks, son tasks, work tasks, church tasks, etc and then I want to be sure how I'm spending my time is what I really want or if I need to tweak.  I also want to be sure I'm getting some me time in there.

The irony is that work tasks feel like me time because I really do enjoy teaching.  Score!

Friday, August 29, 2014

Saying no when I don't want to

This week has been crazy.  School started for my 1st graders but my little guy and I didn't have our regular schedules back up and going yet.  We normally have family dinner at the table every night except for Wednesday when we have fellowship supper at church.  This week, I cooked on Monday and that was it.  No other day, due to orientations for #3's programs.  While the break from cooking was nice, the busy pace wasn't.  I also got a filling on Tuesday.  Yuck.  Brush and floss well, friends.  Fillings aren't much fun.  The emotion from this week was so high that while the dentist was working over my cavity, tears starting falling down my cheeks.  Not from pain or even discomfort;  I just had too long to sit there and think about how sad I was that my baby is turning 5 soon and my twins are in 1st grade.  Where has the time gone?

I knew this week would take a toll on me.  It did.  Today was our MOPs Open House where new moms come and find out about MOPs while "old" moms greet them and catch up from the summer.  When I was in leadership, I LOVED the Open House day.  I made it my goal to meet every new mom that came in the door.  Beautiful relationships began those days.  Such sweet memories.

#3 is at a different place than his brothers have ever been.  Whereas they always had each other, he doesn't have a buddy and he just doesn't like playing with kids younger than him.  Yesterday he went with me to my new job and while I met with the other teachers, he played guns and swords with boys that were older and he really liked it.  Anyway.  I asked if he wanted to go to the MOPs Open House and he said no.  OK.

So, what did I do instead of something I know I would have enjoyed?  Clean my sink.  My in-laws are coming in this afternoon and they both help with dishes and cooking while here, so I thought the least I could do was clean the sink for them.  I'm glad I did.

We also had some errands, including the grocery store, so the house didn't get a thorough cleaning, but I'll do the high points later this afternoon.

#2 asked yesterday after school if I would eat lunch with him today.  Before thinking, I said yes.  After he went to bed, I realized my yes should have been no.  While all 3 of my boys love it, eating lunch with them at school wears me out.  It also makes me miss teaching.

The easy out today would have been to scurry around at the grocery to be back in time for the lunch at 11:05.  Instead, this morning I calmly told #2 my reason for not going to lunch today:  groceries and getting the house ready for company.  He was fine with it.  He knows I'll come another day.

This weekend I have to get my webpage on my school's website set up.  I need it set up before next Tuesday and I don't want to worry over it.  I'm afraid it's going to be a tar baby (meaning that it's a project that will become much more involved than you think it will be) and I'm timid to start it before Aaron is here to be my IT backup.  Dude is great with trouble shooting whereas I just get upset. 

The emotions I feel from starting a new job are surprising me and they're spilling over into my dread of setting up this webpage (and the fact I've never done anything like this before). 

I love teaching and I feel confident that this will be a blessing to me and my family, but yesterday I was hit with the reality that I'm not going to be 100% mom anymore.  Even though the rational part of me knows my boys need for me to step back and allow more independence, I'm still sad. 

I've been praying for balance and now it's time to trust that God will give me the wisdom I need for this new step. 

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Letting go of school lunch

I love the song "Letting Go."  It needs to be my theme song.  I cling so tightly to so many rules.  Many of them are good for a season but I need to reevaluate from time to time.

I clung to healthy eating for my kids for a long time.  Looking back, their lunches for MDO really were a thing of beauty.  And even back then, I remember them complaining that the other kids had food that was more fun, namely powdered donuts, lunchables and hot dogs.  I tried the hot dogs for them, but it just didn't work out.  I'm oddly opposed to lunchables and I can't explain why.  When we go on an outing, I grab them because they're way cheaper than going to McDonald's. 

One of the most irritating things about my big boys starting school is that they became more aware of their power of choice.  They didn't have me or another adult telling them to eat their lunches.  They are relatively great eaters and I've been blessed by that, but somehow seeing daily the powdered donuts and hot dogs made them aware of how different my expectations were. 

We had a system last year:  after homework, I would ask each boy if they wanted school lunch according to the school menu.  If not, they would choose a protein, carb and fruit.  This worked pretty well until #2 decided he didn't like sandwiches at all.  Grr. 

It's tricky to buy enough food healthy food that they will actually eat.  And if they won't eat it, it's just a waste.  What's a mom to do?

Take a deep breath and let my high standards go.  Accept that this is a chance for them to gain some independence and a chance for me to work with them.  The end goal is to raise men who can make good choices when I'm not there.  Wish it was easier, but such is life.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

36 and thankful

Happy Birthday to me!

I'm 36 today and happy to be here.  I love birthdays--they are a time to celebrate that we're created.  I have to be careful on my birthday.  I was adopted as a baby and if I think too long about the fact that this is the day a woman I've never met birthed me and gave me away I get a bit sad.  Instead, I focus on the fact that this angel chose to sacrifice motherhood so I could go to a family ready to love a little redheaded girl.

We spoke of my adoption regularly as I was growing up and I'm so thankful my parents were brave enough to do so.  It's part of my identity and I think that's why I've never had a huge issue with it.

They told me on the application form, one of the questions was if they would take a redhead right along with if they would take a black or Indian baby.  Now I see why--people ask a lot if my parents have red hair.  I don't look like them, or act like them.

Sometimes that's a lonely place to be.  I find myself asking Aaron if a redheaded actress looks like me.  His response is usually no and he'll tell me she's too tall or her face is too long or whatever.  Part of me just wants to feel like I belong somewhere.

Yesterday I met with my new boss and the meeting went really well.  All my questions were answered and I left with a renewed sense of purpose and excitement about teaching Spanish.  I've never done parts of this job before and I'm excited to take it on.  I'm confident I can bring something really fantastic to this job and I'm ready to do it.

For my birthday I really thought about gathering up a bunch of my girl friends to have dinner.  When I turned 30 I invited 30 of my friends to join me for a paint the pottery afternoon.  I was amazed at how many showed up.  We had a fantastic time.  6 years later I'm at a different place.  I love being with my friends but the energy and drama it takes to coordinate that many women wears me out.  I'm going to head over to the big city tonight to do some shopping at some of my fave stores:  Mardel, Container Store and Half Price Books.  I had hoped to go with a good friend, but she had to be out of town today.  So, I'll take Aaron tonight before we go dancing.

Dancing!  I love going dancing and we've not done it much since kids came along.  We went in Luckenbach for our 10th anniversary and were reminded how much we love it.  Aaron is such a good dancer and I love dancing along with him.  There's just nothing like it.

When I start down the adoption path it's easy to get a little sad.  There's a woman out there that 36 years ago made the decision to say good-bye to me because she loved me.  That's amazing.  I would love to meet her and say thanks.  I've heard that it's normal for adopted children to have a dream that their birth mother is this beautiful, magical person.  I used to think that Reba McIntyre was my birth mom except that she's the wrong age and way too tall.

Why do I not pursue meeting her?  My parents asked me not to.  I remember my dad simply asking I not do it, way back when I was about middle school age.  He told me it would hurt my mom.  Of all they've give me, I can give them that.

Besides, the reality is that I'm full.  I have loving parents and a kind brother.  The family on Aaron's side is wonderful and I find acceptance there.  I have fantastic friends and a church family that I adore.  And I have Christ who loves and accepts me no matter what.

Part of me is afraid to find her.  What if she's not like Reba?  What if she's someone I don't want to have a relationship with?  What if I don't want her to have a relationship with my sons?  For now, it's just best to leave that door closed.  I haven't researched it, but from what my parents told me long ago, for us to be reunited we would both have to contact someone--the adoption agency or I guess the courthouse that sealed the adoption for us to be reunited.  Perhaps today she's thinking of me and has contacted them.  I would love to just say thanks today for lovingly caring for me for 9 months as I grew inside her womb and for choosing a Christian family to raise me.  They did a great job.  She made a great choice.

But today I choose to find my identity in Christ not the fantasy of who I might be related to by birth.  The best parts of me are the ones I've allowed Christ to create in me.  Yes, I still find myself feeling on the outside sometimes and wishing I looked like someone, but it's OK.  Aaron loves the way I look and I'm so much more than my outward appearance.

Friday, August 15, 2014

People pleasing

People pleasing is a funny thing.  I was raised to make everyone around me happy.  To me, that's just what considerate people do.  Enter my husband, who wasn't raised that way.  I remember I was nervous to meet his parents for the first time.  Afterwards, I asked Aaron if he thought his mom liked me.  "Of course she did."  "How could you tell?" I asked.  His response was priceless: "Because she knows you make me happy."  Wow.

I'm reading a book by one of my favorite authors, Kathi Lipp.  I enjoy her books very much and she bravely writes about many of the struggles I find myself facing. This book is entitled The Cure to the Perfect Life.  It's about choosing not to let the bullies of perfectionism, people pleasing, performancism and procrastination rule my life. 

Later today I'm going to meet up with my new boss to iron out details for my job.  I'm nervous.  I'm scared and I'm a little sad that this day is here.  For a long time now I've been home with little kids.  That chapter isn't closing, but the page is definitely turning.  The irony is that the staying home with kids years haven't been the absolute joy of my heart.  Yes, I've enjoyed it and I truly believe God called me to it, but I've known it wouldn't be forever.  And I'm somehow surprised that moving into this next chapter isn't all rainbows and lollipops. 

So, instead of dealing with these feelings head on, I stewed for a ridiculously long time about what to wear today.  It's not an interview;  I have the job, but yet I'm still nervous about her liking me based on the clothes I wear.  Very silly.

This would be people pleasing.

Yesterday I went to a huge consignment sale and bought some clothes for my biggest boy and one board game.  I had a limited amount to spend and I felt really good about how well I used the money I had to spend.

This morning, Aaron sees the one non-clothing item I bought (Pictionary-Man) and went off about how much he hates board games.

A few years ago I would have cowered under this tirade and apologized about buying it.  Not today.  I told him I didn't buy it for him and I got an excellent deal on it.  The boys and I love board games and we'll enjoy it together. 

And then a few minutes later, I apologized for being snappy with him. 

Now I look back on that conversation and I realize I didn't need to apologize for having an opinion different than his.  I didn't need to apologize for anything.

I have to remind myself that my worth isn't based on the opinion of others and that my husband has strong opinions.  I thrive on affirming words, a currency that doesn't come naturally from him.  I will say he's gotten much better at this and I've gotten better at asking for it, but we still have a ways to go.  Even more than that, my value is in Jesus Christ, my creator, Savior and king. 

As I head into my future, I need to bravely lean of God's promises to be with me and lean into his courage.  And enjoy the heck out of Pictionary-Man when I get to play it.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

A new griddle

Today marks 11 years married to my sweet husband.  I liken our relationship right now to a griddle. 

When we married, we received lots of goodies, many of which I barely knew how to use.  If you would have told me 11 years ago I would grill pork chops on a griddle so I could cook 8 at a time, I would have laughed.  I also wouldn't have known how to do it.  Now, I do it without a second thought.

The griddle we received was a basic model and one we registered for.  It made pancakes, French toast, grill cheese and pork chops.  One day I noticed the nonstick had come off.  So, I buttered it well before I would cook something.  Aaron noticed the sad look of the griddle and suggested we replace it.  I looked around and only saw really fancy models that were expensive and way more than I needed.

And then, one day, a shiny new griddle arrived on my doorstep.  He had found the perfect replacement on Amazon for me.  My new one is still a basic model, but it's sleeker and totally comes apart which would make it perfect for camping (provided that we have an electrical outlet). 

Marriage is like our griddle.  We started out with a basic model and were happy with it.  When it came time to update the griddle, we did.  My analogy breaks down a bit in that I didn't get a new husband when the nonstick wore off my old griddle.  But go with me here--the first version of us was good.  We were newlyweds, figuring out how to become one.  During that time, we worked through expectations, miscommunication and conflict resolution.

An example--just this last Christmas I finally figured out why putting out Christmas lights is super important to me and not a priority to Aaron.  Growing up, we always did.  He didn't.  It took 10 years of marriage for me to figure out why I had to nag Aaron every weekend after Thanksgiving to do something that was really important to me.

I've learned a lot about listening, being that I am a gifted talker but not a gifted listener.  I've also learned how to be heard.

Now, we're at a great place together.  The boys aren't a cake walk, but they're much easier than they were.  Aaron has a job he enjoys and is more rested than he was a few years ago.  We have a year of the big boys in school behind us and it went really well.  I have a peace that they're going to be OK academically which was a real concern for us with their premature births.

And I like who I am.  Motherhood has refined me and softened my hard edges.  I'm still a work in progress, but I'm happy with who I am.  And my husband loves me more now than he did 11 years ago.  And I him.

In our wedding, I remember Dr Brown prayed that we would grow to love each other more each passing year.  At the time that seemed an odd thought because the love I felt for him was so big.  Little did I know that love grows in beauty with time.  The moments of silliness when we laugh together.  The serious moments when we open our souls to each other.  The painful moments when he holds me when I cry.  The mundane moments of eating pork chops at family dinner.  The sum of all those parts create something really beautiful and I'm so thankful I get to be a part of it.

Long live marriage!

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Milking the cow is holy

MOPs sent me this year's theme book about being brave.  It's challenging me to step back and look at how bravely (or not bravely) I choose to live my life.

Today's chapter mentioned a Celtic proverb:  "Milking the cow is holy."  What a beautiful thought.  The small, mundane things I do every day are holy.  Each day I spend with my family matters.  It's so easy to feel like if I'm not doing something extraordinary that it just doesn't matter.  How refreshing to be reminded that each task I do matters.

I've had a busy summer.  Lots of taking kids to different activities and not much rest.  My husband's grandmother passed away suddenly and we were all taken by surprise.  We had VBS right before and even though I love VBS, it takes a lot of energy.  I've learned that after big energy drains I need to take some time to just rest.  Rest wasn't available this time.

Instead of taking the time to journal and rest a bit, I found myself all upset about school starting. I was feeling sad that the time had slipped away.  So what did I do?  I picked up my sons' rooms, purging toys and getting angry that no one was helping me.  When I got to a stopping place, I told my husband I had done the part I don't mind:  compling all the stuff into bins and throwing away the stuff that was broken.  That felt good.  But now, I had to do something with all this stuff.  He didn't volunteer to help with this next step but he listened nicely while I told him my elaborate vision:  sort all the toys and put them in labelled boxes.  Make a check out system so the boys' rooms wouldn't get so out of control as before.  He sweetly agreed that was a nice plan. 

But I didn't want to do all that work.  I had to go to the grocery store and I took along #2.  He's my most organized so I told him about my pick up and check out system.  He told me it sounded like lots of work and we shouldn't do it.  I told him of a friend of ours who uses this system and it works well for them.  He wasn't sold.  He told me we shouldn't do it.  We shopped and returned home where the boxes of various boy toys were on the play room floor where I had left them.

I put away the groceries and went back to my husband to see if he wanted to help sort or organize.  He didn't.

And that's when I had my moment of brilliance:   I didn't have to do it.  Where is the law that says toys have to be organized?  Clearly, this wasn't a good fit for us.  There's no organization police that will be visiting my home checking to see if our toys are organized.

So, I made a new rule:  most of the toys live in the bins in the play room.  Boys can have some in their rooms.  They need to keep their rooms picked up.  The play room needs to stay picked up.  They accepted those terms and went back to what they were doing.  My house looks much better and all is right with the world.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Choosing kindness

For Christmas I received a wonderful gift:  the book Wonder by RJ Palacios.  Today I'm going to write about it as well as the follow-up chapter, Julian.  If you haven't read Wonder, here's the spoiler alert:  I will be writing about the whole story.  It's a marvelous read.  I would suggest you go read it and then check back in.  When I write about "Julian" I'll give a spoiler alert for the same reason.

Here we go.  I read Wonder very slowly.  I read little chunks while I sat in my car in the dismissal line at the elementary school.  My youngest son, age 4, sat in the car with me and would ask me about the book I was reading.  It intruiged him because I would cry as I read. 

The protagonist, Auggie, has a facial malformity.  I've never known anyone with the kind of issues Auggie faced, but I have a very sympathetic heart.  It was hard to read about the kinds of challenges Auggie faced as he started school for the first time as a 5th grader.  Kids are mean.  Heck, this world is mean.  Watching the meanness unfold was hard.

As the book goes on, we see different characters.  Some help Auggie and others make his road tougher.  I've always been one to fight for the underdog.  I wanted to jump into the pages of the book and be Auggie's champion.  I loved watching how his parents loved and guided him.  I aspire to be the kind of mom who has the courage to let her children go out into the world and make their way while being a safe place for them to come back home to.

There are books that are nice to read and there are books that make your human experience richer.  Pride and Prejudice, Les Miserables, Redeeming Love and a quirky book called Flies in the Butter make my short list of those books.

Choosing kindness.  The central theme to take away from Wonder is to always choose kindness.  What a beautiful concept.

Julian is the bully of the story.  He made me mad.  I have very little tolerance for bullies.  While I lived in Spain I was working on my Master's degree.  I did a kind of informal student teaching in a small village about an hour outside of Madrid.  While there I saw a form of racism I hadn't previously known about.  At that time, immigration from central and South American countries to Spain was a big problem.  The Spaniards didn't like these newcomers.  A teacher I worked with made no secret of her feelings. 

It was a 2nd grade class and this teacher would tell the children not to hold hands with the child from South America, we'll call her Maria.  I don't even remember the game now, but it had to do with holding hands and walking around in a circle.  I couldn't tolerate this meanness.  I took one of Maria's hands in mine and put myself into the circle with the kids.  The teacher was surprised but Maria was overjoyed.  That moment helped shape my empathy for children on the outside.  As a teacher, I worked hard to not let my biases hold children at bay.  I know I'm not perfect, but I did my best to love all children.

SPOILER ALERT FOR "JULIAN"

After reading Wonder I read the author's pages.  She answered questions.  One was one I had thought of:  why didn't Julian get a turn telling the story?  Her answer was that bullies don't get a voice.  I liked that.  I was surprised when my husband told me he saw an ad for an ebook for Julian's chapter.  When he told me I said he was mistaken--RJ Palacios said she wouldn't give Julian a chapter.  He showed me he was right.  I was mad, but my interest was piqued enough to read it.  I'm so glad I did.

I believe in the core of my being that all people are able to change.  My favorite part of teaching was being on the ground floor as the little people in my care grew into their potential through learning to read, think critically and make choices that made them positive members of our classroom family.

I had thrown in the towel on Julian.  He was a bully.  The kind of kid I pray my boys will never have to deal with.  I had some Julians around while I was growing up.  I remember being put in a trash can when I was a 9th grader by a football player.  Not my favorite memory, but I count myself lucky that I was never a target of mean girls.

Zacchaeus comes to my mind.  He wasn't a cool kid.  He was very unpopular, but Jesus made time for him.  Jesus came for the sick, not the well.  Julian is easy to dislike, but Jesus would make time for him, too.

As I read "Julian," I was afraid we were just going to see that Julian was a victim of a mean mom or something akin to that.  I was thrilled to see how Palacios brought a beautiful sense of closure through Julian's grandmere.  Her experience of experiencing such kindness through a child she had been unkind to really touched me.  Her understanding that true beauty comes from within was such a powerful message.  Seeing Julian feel repentence about his ugliness towards Auggie was very satisfying.  It restored my hope in humanity.

My boys want me to read them Wonder and I've told them that they're a little too young to really get it now.  In May, the school had a bullying program that the children watched.  Child #1 came home and tried out all the bullying techniques he saw on child #3.  Lovely.  Thanks for the how-to, school.  We've talked through it and he gets that bullying is wrong, but I don't want to give him more to try out.  I look forward to reading this book to them and discussing the themes of the book.  Even at their tender ages, they know what bullying is and they know it's bad news.  It's my prayer that they can be strong when a bully comes along and help others be strong as well.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Snack bar lessons

Last week the boys and I joined my parents for a trip to the beach.  Wonderful.  Maybe I'll write about it another day, but today I'm focusing on an interesting moment from this week.

We live in a sporty area.  My husband and I don't dislike sports, but neither of us played in high school so it's just not part of us.  Aaron chose band and other things instead of sports while I tried out for sports and just wasn't good enough to make it.  I'm good with that--I'm short and not very fast.  I also fouled a lot when I played basketball.  Being not very athletic while still competitive just makes for a bad combination.  So, I found my niche at church as well as being on the competitive acting team, in the musicals and choir.  Life was rich and full while just cheering the sports teams on from the side lines.

Enter motherhood.  So far, I don't think we have an all-star quarterback on our hands.  One of them really isn't very interested in sports.  The other I could see liking individual sports like cross country, golf or tennis.  Doesn't have the build for football.  The other little guy, we'll just see.

So this week they're all giving sports camps a try.  The one most interested in sports is doing basketball camp.  It's 3 hours long and a good taste of what the sport is--drills, fundamentals and games.  He's having fun.  The other 2 boys are doing tennis camp which is much shorter in duration and it's their first experience with the sport.  They watch me play against the garage door and sometimes try to join me, but this camp is specifically designed to introduce them to the game.  Super fun.

At basketball camp, parents can send money with kids for the concession stand.  Aaron and I discussed it--$8 for 4 days sounded very generous when I would have chosen to send a water bottle and keep that $8 for drinks at Sonic one afternoon instead.  We told #2 to buy only 1 drink and 1 snack a day.  Today was the end of Day 2 and from the basketball court during a game, he yells to me in the stands, "Mom!  I need more money!"  Hmmm.

He spent $8 in 2 days.  I'm just glad they didn't let him buy on credit.  There were 2 snack breaks a day in which he felt he had to buy a snack (candy bar) and drink (Sprite or Gatorade) at each, even though he hadn't drunk the drink from before.

Tennis camp offered no such opportunities for spending money and somehow the fact that I provided snacks was completely forgotten when #1&3 saw #2's haul.  Tears.  Yelling.  Yes, even fists in the minivan.  I pulled #3 off #2 and got him settled enough so that I could get him seatbelted in.  We went home.  I cooled off.  At lunch I told them that we would be heading to Target where I would get Gatorade for the rest of the days of camp and #1&3 could choose a candy bar.  Not #2--he had already had his.  I would also buy a snack for all 3 of them to have during their camps since #2 had run out of money.  This made them all happy.

Geez.  I didn't realize I would be teaching an economics lesson about scarcity when I woke up this morning.  After lunch, I had a quick chat with #2 about money.  I told him that he had spent his $8 and he wouldn't have more for the 2 remaining days of camp.  He would take his snack and Gatorade but would not be purchasing more.  I braced myself for tears that didn't come.  He felt badly that he hadn't obeyed what I had told him.  I assured him that I still love him and this is a good opportunity to learn about discipline. 

Discipline is hard.  For me, too. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Summer bucket list

I'm funny.  I'm a planner in a world that makes planners feel guilty.  My husband is a let-life-happen kind of guy.  It works for him.  The truth is that if I just let my boys "be," they will happily tear stuff up, fight with each other and think this is normal.  I'm their mom--it's my job to civilize them and not allow them to enter polite society thinking this is OK.

I would happily plan every moment of every day to bore the evil out of them, but I know that a balance is important.  If I structure every moment for them, they won't learn to entertain themselves--constructively.  They would also rebel and it could get ugly.  Quickly.

Henceforth, the summer bucket list.  I follow Kathi Lipp's blog and I got a 100 things for my summer bucket list from her.  I went through and highlighted items that will work for my family this summer.  After that, I got out my sunshine notes that I bought for this purpose back in April.  While the boys had a snack, they listed many ideas for our family bucket list.  Only 2 didn't make the notes:  go to Disney Land (not in the budget this summer but I told #1 I would discuss it with Dad and maybe another summer) and run around naked.  I told #2 that just wasn't a great one for the list.  Sorry.

After they told me all their ideas, I wrote dollar signs showing if it cost a little, lot or a whole lot.  I then drew a car if we had to go somewhere or a house if we could do it at home.  I then hung them up on our hutch.  The ones on the sides happen at grandparents' houses, the bottom row is stuff for home and the second row is stuff around town.

In my mind, when we do something I'll put a little sticker on it.  I resisted the temptation to put up more ideas from Kathi's list or other sites I've found.  I decided to store those just for me so that when I plan the week or have one of those Yikes!  How much time do I have to fill before my husband gets home? moments I can puruse the list and find just the thing.

I'm still going to have a rough schedule through the summer--play outside while it's nice, have a time when I read from a chapter book (hooray, Hank the Cowdog!) while the boys do some kind of table time activity and room time/DEAR time will be strictly enforced.  I'll also have to feed them breakfast and lunch and I'll happily let them watch a show while I prepare dinner.  Geez, with all this food business it's a wonder any of us every leave the kitchen. 

Before school days, I had a routine that was similar to this and it worked well.  After room time, I let them play together for a while with their chosen room time activities.  When I decide that time is up, they have to pick up their rooms and then they get to watch a video.  During that time, I fold laundry or iron while I watch one of my shows.  Alone.  It's nice.

Teacher gifts

I love saying thanks.  It's just good.  When I used to teach, my favorite gifts included:  a red rose (fake flower) that still is in my pencil tray at home, some Santa salt and pepper shakers (only brought out at Christmas) and on a field trip one day, a sandwich.  E's mom sent him a sandwich and made me one as well.  I thought it was the sweetest gesture ever.  Still do.

The end of school is here and I decided to make the teachers a spice rub for meat.  I use spice rubs a lot and thought regardless of dietary choices, none of these ladies are vegetarians as far as I know, so this should work well.  I asked which teachers should get one and I was told their class teachers, their helper teachers, the PE and music teacher.  Sounds good to me.  This morning the boys helped me pass them out.  Neat moment. 

I actually got choked up when we gave the jar to the PE teacher because she was genuinely surprised and touched that we thought of her.  I kept my tears at bay (go me!) and had one of those neat moments when we got home.  I called my mom and thanked her for teaching me to say thanks.  I'm passing it on to my sons and it really is a neat thing.

I even got to use my label maker for this project!  Happy days!

Friday, May 30, 2014

Clothes shopping

I used to love clothes shopping.  I had a fave store, Petite Sophisticate, and shopping there was truly enjoyable.  I guess I didn't shop there enough because they're now out of business.  Boo.

I'm not going to go down the body image road today, but suffice it to say that I'm a petite frame.  I'm one of those odd women that after kids I'm smaller than before.  Not by much, but enough to make me miss Laura 1.0 pre-kids.  Oh well.  I'm at peace with it, even though the muffin top over the jeans really is annoying.

I would like a new pair of shorts.  Not world peace, not my non-muffin top tummy back (even though that would be really great), just shorts that fit.  I've come to accept the fact that Wal-Mart really isn't the answer to my clothing woes.  It's easy to throw something in the cart as I walk by, but that's almost always a mistake.  Today I was so close to throwing a pair of shorts in the cart.  I really wanted to, but I fought the urge and decided to learn from past experience and left them on the rack.

I called my sweet husband and asked if I could go to Kohl's alone this weekend and get a pair of shorts.  He gladly agreed to watch boys so I can shop.  So wonderful.

I've come to accept that I have a champagne size and a pork rind budget just doesn't quite work.  (I read that phrase in Kissing Adrien by Siri L. Mitchell.  Fantastic book).  I'm proud that the first step is saying no to me at Wal-Mart.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Last MDO for a while

It's ironic.  When I started having mom's day out for the twins, I had a hard time with it.  I felt guilty for having time for myself.  Then I got pregnant with #3 and needed to time to rest and go to dr appointments alone.  Then I had #3 and when the day came for him to join the twins at mom's day out I was just happy to breathe alone for that time.

And now, it's #3's last day for MDO.  Allow me to brag what I'm doing on this monumental day:  lots of things I love.  Am I cleaning out the garage.  Nope.  Am I mending clothes?  No.  Am I canning fruit?  No.  Am I writing the great American novel.  No way.  Maybe tomorrow on that one.

Instead, I tried out a new coffee and used books shop.  Loved every minute in there and scored some great reads for summertime.  I can home and enjoyed my quiet home.  Talked to mom at length and didn't get interrupted.  Wrote on the family blog.  Even wrote on my Spanish blog which I rarely do.  To write on it, I have to be inspired by something non-momish.  Those moments are tough to come by but today I composed something lovely about how I want to resist change and bury my head in the sand but that God is showing me He didn't create me to be an ostrich.  I played favorite songs on the piano and sang.  Loudly.  In a bit I'll meet up with a friend at a lovely girlie lunch spot.  I'll do a bit of shopping at the Dollar Tree (I seriously do love that place) until it's time to pick up small fry.

Will this day change the course of human history?  Probably not but will it recharge my batteries?  Absolutely.  And that, my friends, is a good way to spend my time.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Angry Mother's Day

This post is going to be a bit saucy.  If you absolutely love tomorrow's holiday, I'm so glad for you.  You and Hallmark can go enjoy tomorrow while the rest of us growl about the injustice of it all.

Back when I only had one family--that of my parents--Mother's Day was simple:  make the day all about my mom.  Make her breakfast in bed, give her a card, make her day easy.  I actually saw an episode of Sid the Science Kid that even though they never said the words "Mother's Day" the special mom day was exactly this.

And then I began having my own Mother's Days.  Apparently, Aaron didn't watch that episode of Sid the Science Kid and if he did, he forgot to take notes.

I've come to the conclusion that there are holiday people in the world and then there are what?  I'm supposed to do something on a holiday?  people.  I'm the former and married the latter.

I remember back in pre-marriage counseling talking about expectations.  At that point, we had such rose-colored glasses that we couldn't even fathom that there would be conflict in our marriage.  Ah, the sweetness of youth. 

I spent my first few Mother's Days angry.  I really thought Aaron would drop everything to treat me like a queen.  When he didn't, I would get upset.  This would confuse him and I would get more upset.  Clearly not a great path.  He could have gotten me a card for Angry Mom's Day those years.

On the path of getting better, a few years ago I thought outside the box and asked for Aaron to watch the 3 boys ages 3,3 and 1 at the time while I drove to meet my parents for lunch.  The city was about 45 minutes from our house and even though my mom was disappointed with not seeing her grandsons, it's frustrating for her that she and I rarely get to spend time together doing girl things.  This sounded like a perfect solution.  Except that the restaurant we chose was ridiculously crowded and I really don't care to wait for over an hour for a meal.  Oh well.

Last year Aaron and I got into a tiff over breakfast in bed.  In my mind, all moms get breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.  Nope.  That was just too unrealistic for me to expect.  The irony is that the boys really wanted to do it, so he caved and helped them do it.  I have a snapshot of the breakfast and me in bed receiving it.

Later, after church, we struck Mother's Day gold:  Dairy Queen.  While everyone else in the world was waiting to eat Sunday lunch at Olive Garden, we drove on in to Dairy Queen.  We enjoyed a lovely meal and they had the best dessert ever:  a blizzard with pretzel pieces.  Seriously.  So good. I decided this will be our Mother's Day lunch tradition.  No dishes to wash, no cooking, no line to wait in for a table, no behavior to worry about while we wait for the food and awesome blizzards.  This really is a fantastic idea.  I show make an ad for them and put it at the end of Sid the Science Kid.

This year, I've evolved even further:  I got myself my own gift a month ago.  There was a sale at Shutterfly so I asked mom what she wanted.  A photo book.  I made a lovely book that ironically enough had a collection of pictures from Mother's Days since I've been a mom.  It was really neat to look back on the boys at those times.  As I was making her book which she is going to LOVE, I saw that they have these little collage art pieces that are the perfect size to fit on top of my piano.  I made one of our camping trip.  I really, really love it.  When I look at it I'm reminded of a sweet moment in my mothering journey.  One of the pictures have all 3 of the boys on swings, one with his legs up in the air.  Such a perfect picture of where we are right now.

One of the trickiest parts of marriage is choosing how I'm going to feel about things instead of allowing Aaron's reactions dictate mine.  In an hour we're headed up the road a bit to meet my parents for Mother's Day.  This was my idea.  We'll meet up at 11 the day before Mother's Day and hopefully we can enjoy a meal and not have to wait in a huge line.  After, we're going to go to the city's wonderful park and the boys can play while we chat.

Aaron has work to do on the farm.  I made it clear he can stay here but he feels duty-bound to go with us.  He will be back home to have plenty of time to do more work this afternoon.  This is me, being a grown-up and saying that I'm going to enjoy this day with my family.  I am declaring it won't be Angry Mother's Day, reflecting his mood that he would prefer to be working on the farm.  I get a day, gosh darn it!  There's that anger again.  Maybe next year I'll be a bit further down this journey...

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Growing in music

I decided yesterday that I need to learn to play a new instrument.  My grandmother, a piano teacher that was of the thought that perfection is the goal of music, would shudder at the thought of me attempting yet another instrument.  I will agree that I play 2 instruments and I'm not an expert at either.  I do, however, thoroughly enjoy both so why not add a third?

I'm encouraging my older boys to start piano lessons next fall.  I've told all 3 boys that my dream for them is that they all can play the piano better than I can.  Granted, I play well.  I can sight read well and accompany at my bible study.  Not perfectly, but I do a darn good job.  I can also transpose into any key.  Very helpful to our guitar player on the praise team.  If they play as well as I do I will be a very happy mom.  But who's stopping me from dreaming big?

Aaron and I both love music.  He is interesting with music.  He loves to analyze how all the parts of an orchestra fit together to make the beautiful sound.  I'm more right brain with it--I love the poetry of music and how it makes me feel.  It's my favorite way to worship the Lord.

As I was talking to the boys about them learning their first instrument, I thought it would be a great time for me to undertake a new instrument as well.  Since I've been married to Aaron, he's taught himself to play the tuba as well as the banjo.  He had piano lessons as a boy and played the trumpet well in high school, but just before the twins were born our church orchestra's tubist was graduating and going off to college, so the call went out for a new tubist.  Aaron decided to be it.  He worked hard to learn bass cleff and he succeeded in playing the tuba.  I love that about him.

About a year ago he watched me play the guitar with the boys.  I hold my fingers on the frets and I let them strum as we would sing.  Aaron wanted to be a part of that, so he decided to learn to play the banjo.  He has.  I've become a better guitar player as we play together from time to time.

A regret I have about high school is that I didn't play in the band or orchestra even though many of my friends did.  I sang in the show choir (jazz hands!) my sophomore year because I wasn't good enough to make the cut for jr and sr year.  (I couldn't do back hand-springs.  Seriously.  It was a huge high school). 

As an adult, I want to play the cello.  I don't want to play it in the church orchestra;  I just want to play because I love the richness of the sound.  I told this to my family at dinner last night and Aaron thought it was a great idea.  He asked why the cello.  I told him that its music makes me feel like a butterfly.  That coming out of the mouth of a 35 year old woman should illicit a laugh, but it didn't.  After dinner, he found a cellist on You Tube to show the boys.  We discussed all about the instrument.  He looked up online how much this ridiculous plan will cost.  I need to save my pennies, but it's doable.

He's also happy because a bluegrass band he likes has records for banjo and cello duets.  He thinks we should tackle one.  Big dreamer, my man.

I love that I'm married to a man that encourages me to be my best.  I love that we share a passion for music.  So much of what I do is drudgery.  That's just life.  Yes, I could say no to more things and that could help.  But this life will have sorrow, toil and gross stuff.  It will miss the mark to perfect happiness.  I know this earth can't give true happiness but I like the thought of doing something so totally just for me. 

I also love that Aaron wants cheer me on to be a butterfly.  What more could a gal ask for?

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Lessons learned

As I'm working through this book, Restless, I can say that reflecting back on my happiest memories was way more enjoyable than reflecting back to times of suffering.

I loved listing proudly my happy times.  Who wouldn't?  I'm not going to do the same with times of suffering.  Suffice it to say that in comparison to how evil this world can be, my road has been very easy.  Not perfect, but I have much to be grateful for.

The author pointed out a beautiful point that justified going down the not fun paths of memory lane:  "In the messiest waste of our lives comes the most fertile soil."  --Jennie Allen from Restless.  Wow.  That's a really profound statement.

I was adopted as a baby.  My parents were unable to have children and were thrilled to be able to adopt my older brother and me.  I know I'm loved by them but in my heart of hearts I've always felt like I had to earn their love.  I'm a people pleaser and I think it's because I want to earn the acceptance of those around me.  This often includes God.  In the faith versus works discussion, I really like works.  I can make a checklist and check those things off.  Yes, I know my legalistic bend isn't of God.  As I've matured in my faith I've found that it's sinful. 

I love that I married a non-people pleaser.  It's wonderfully freeing to watch him say no and feel no guilt.  He confuses my mom who really believes all people are people pleasers except those who choose to be rude.  Sons 1 and 3 are pleasers.  Son 2 often confuses her as well.

My love language is words of affirmation.  It should be no surprise that I offer words of encouragement to people very regularly because it's what I want to hear.

My heart breaks for the lonely, the sad, the downtrodden, the one just on the outside.  I asked my husband once what part of the body of Christ I am.  My friend Jenny is clearly the heart as she mercifully helps in any way she can.  Anna is the smile as hospitality and offering true warmth is natural to her.  He replied in a way that made me glad I married him, "You're the arms.  You open your arms to all and make them feel welcomed."  How beautiful to be understood.

It wasn't fun to recall those sad and painful moments in my life, but it helped me see that they've had a part of shaping me into who I am.  God uses all for good, even the dark blots we wish weren't there.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Saying no

Living on a budget is a blessing, but it sure it hard.  My husband and I have a good system (thanks to Dave Ramsey) in which we have a discussion at the beginning of each month and we assign where every dollar will go.

This month, an event came up that I really wanted to do, but when I came time to register for it, the money just wasn't there.  So I said no.  It was a color run for our school's benevolent fund.  What a cool concept.  My 2 oldest boys were going to do the 1 mile walk with me.  What a great moment to share with them!  But part of being an adult is recognizing that we can't always do everything we want to do.

Bummer.  The silver lining is that our family is going to a birthday party later that afternoon so I know doing both events in one day would have been a stretch.

I may get lucky and boys #1 and 2 won't notice we're missing the color run.  If they ask, I'll be honest but non-dramatic.  I don't want them to get the message that we have so little money that they have to worry, but I do want them to learn the message that money, like time, energy and many other things, is limited.  We used our entertainment budget for camping and other things. 

I was challenged recently to focus on the donut and not the hole.  With budgeting, that hole sure is pretty.  So many things I want that I just don't have the money for. 

Lord, thanks for all the blessings I have.  Help me be content this day and give me the wisdom to teach it to my boys.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Taking time to celebrate

I'm working though Restless by Jennie Allen.  It's a wonderful book that is taking me through a journey to figure out what I should be doing now.  Very reflective and a great thing for me at this point.

Yesterday I wrote about feeling apprehension about taking my youngest to a new MDO as well as dropping off the job application.  Both events went well.  #3 loves his new teacher and even had a friend already in the class.  He's very excited about his new school for fall.

I love blue bonnets.  Here in Texas, they bloom for a few weeks every spring.  When I married, I had a good friend take pictures of me in my wedding dress and cowboy boots in the blue bonnets.  We were a sight--Kathryn, my dear, sweet friend doing dress control so that the flowers or grass wouldn't stain my dress (my mom's nightmare) while my friend snapped photos.  The pictures are some of my favorites.

Anyway, when we went to my new school to drop off my application, there were blue bonnets!  Tons of them!  I chose to see that God was using His beauty to remind me that seasons change, children grow, opportunities for growth come our way and He is still God;  He doesn't change.  A dear friend, Kimberly, sent me a text with verses from the Bible that reminded me of the same thing.  God is very good.

I believe worship means to take a moment and see the fingerprints of God.  I worship corporately through music at church often and love it, but I also worship when I see blue bonnets and am reminded of God's love.  I worship when I laugh with my sons as we plan our water gun wars this summer.  The more I worship the closer I am to God.  I remember hearing before that thankfulness should be like the sound track for our daily lives.  What a lovely thought.

Anyway.  As I'm working through Restless, yesterday the challenge was to journal a highlight from each life stage.  Moments that made me proud and satisfied.

This particular moment isn't one--#3 should be in "room time" in which he doesn't nap anymore (boo) but he's expected to play by himself while I have some me time.  He just came in my room to let me know I need to get the plunger to work on the toilet in the boy bathroom, but he can talk me through it because he's seen Dad do it before.  Lovely.

I had some time to myself yesterday and over a cup of coffee I reflected on favorite moments.  What a wonderful exercise.  It was kind of hard to get started, but once I got going I was surprised by how wonderful and rich my list was.  I thought I would share a handful here.  I don't know why, but we don't seem to be a culture that celebrates the little moments often.  It's too bad.  The little moments are the ones that make us who we are.  And yet the moments like the toilet are the ones we seem to talk about.  Hmmm.

Here are a few of my moments:
0-6 years:  swinging on the swingset, swimming at the city pool at my Grandma's house, having blueberry muffins for special occasions

7-12 years:  playing in piano recitals, winning 5th grade class president

13-18 years:  being in the high school musicals, excelling in drama and speaking competitions, enjoying time with the girls in my youth group at church camp, mission trips and spending time together, going to OU basketball games with my dad

19-24 years:  getting my first job, becoming fluent in Spanish after lots of hard work in grad school, living in Spain for a year, meeting and falling in love with Aaron, becoming a teacher

25+:  loving teaching--the joy of watching children grow, the fun of bonding a classroom family together, the laughter, the challenge of helping each child reach his/her potential--, the moment when I knew I was going to be a mom, the moment when we saw we were going to have twins, learning to lean on God and admit I wasn't "enough" to do all this on my own, figuring out that God never promised me that this life would be a rose garden, having good friends to be real with and share the ugly moments with, tent camping with my family, seeing the pride on son #2's face when he figured out how to use the potty the first time, watching #1's pride as he told Aaron, "Dad, I can read!", singing "Low in the Grave He Lay" during breakfast with the boys last Easter...

And the list could go on, but room time is at an end. God is good.  How beautiful to take a moment to celebrate some of the good moments I've been blessed with.  The next assignment is to write about deep hurts.  I'm taking a few deep breaths before I delve down that path.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Frosty windshield

I have just a few moments before #3 and I head out to do errands, but in these moments I'm going to collect my thoughts.

As I write, I've given little guy the VBS Oriental Trading Co catalog and he's to mark anything he loves with a sticky note.  He's in hog heaven.

Yesterday I thoroughly enjoyed writing a submission to MOPs about what my mom taught me about beauty, but it left me frazzled.  I'm not a deadline person.  I know women who are, but deadlines stress me out.  Today I'm not feeling rested or relaxed and to be my best for #3, I need to be.

Added to it, today as a part of our errands, we're going by #3's new MDO next year.  I've taken boys to the same MDO since my twins were about 18 months.  They're now 6 1/2.  6 years I've had kids in this program.  I've made the decision for #3 to go to a new program next fall for a few reasons.  The biggest is that with his late birthday, he would be in the program's oldest class again next year.  That was fine for his brothers because they were catching up, but not this guy.  I think a new program would just be good for him--new toys, new expectations, etc.  It's also closer to where I'll be working on the days he's there as well as it starts 30 minutes earlier which will also work better with my schedule.

See, this is a great choice.  So why do I feel sad?  I remember bawling when I first visited our current MDO.  Friends watched the twins when I went to meet the director and I cried before I even spoke.  She was so loving and kind.

We're also taking my completed application for my new job.  We're just dropping it off, but I still feel nervous.  Also I know it's right, but my heart and head are not really agreeing.  Yet.

This morning there was frost on my wind shield.  We were 2 minutes later getting in the car and I had to scrape the window.  It really ticked me off.  At who?  Not sure.  My husband because I remember my dad doing that for me when I lived at home (pesky expectations in marriage!) or at myself for not checking ahead of time.  I think the emotions just needed to boil over.  We made it to school just fine, not even tardy. 

I've learned this year through my bible study of the Old Testament that the Israelites felt like God didn't love them when things were rough.  This missed the point that God loves us always, but we still face adversity.

God is with me today as I'm feeling unsettled.  He was with me when I threw my mental tantrum about the wind shield.  He's here as change is coming my way.  Time to take a deep breath, surrender my desire to control everything and accept His love and support for this day.  And get packed up to do what needs doing, gracefully.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Pretty is as Pretty Does


This afternoon, I read on the MOPS website that they needed submissions for their summer magazine about being a woman.  Lots of topics were given and writers were encouraged to submit a 450 word piece by...today.
I read the email at 2:30.  As I waited in line for dismissal, I did a web of my thoughts.  When we got home, I let the boys watch Wild Kratts while I wrote out my piece.  I emailed it off, did homework with the boys and now I'm posting it here.  I wish I could have had a bit more time to polish it and make the idea a bit clearer, but hey, it's done and I'm pretty darn pleased with how it turned out. 
Hope you enjoy.  The prompt:  A beauty legacy:  what your mom taught you about being a woman

My mom taught me many things:  how to cut my meat, how to shave my legs and how to be pretty.  I remember her saying (usually as a way of correcting me) that “Pretty is as pretty does.”

At the time, I found this phrase annoying.  I just wanted to be pretty but I didn’t want to have any responsibility for it.  Now that I’m an adult I have a deeper understanding of what prettiness is to others and what I choose it means to me.

We’re in a season of life that isn’t very glamorous.  Our clothes are stained, they rarely fit and me time includes have the luxury of trimming toe nails.  If we’re really lucky, we slap on some polish.

I asked my son what the prettiest thing about me is. Happily he told me, “Your pretty red hair, Mommy!”  I’ll admit it:  I really like my hair. Mom’s comment about prettiness being internal is more reassuring to me now that I’m watching grey take over.  I’ve made peace with the fact that aging is slowly finding its way to me even though I still would give the whole process a big “thumbs down.”

That being said, I understand at a deeper level know my mom’s sage wisdom about beauty because I’ve known plenty of beautiful women whose actions detract from their appearance.  Actions reflect a person’s true nature; physical beauty is just a happy coincidence.  It makes me think of a beautiful painting that is breath taking, but if you scratch the surface you quickly find that the beauty ends at the canvas.  In the same way, you can put on a show for a while, but true internal beauty will be revealed by what you do.

What reflects a beautiful character?  A love of Jesus that reflects His goodness to others.  Seeing a need and doing something about it, like taking a meal to a mom, mowing the lawn so her husband doesn’t have yet another thing to do on his day off or just showing up when she says she will. 

There are lots of things I can’t change.  My appearance is pretty much set.  I’m a short redhead until I’m a short grey-head.   I can’t make choices for my children, even though I sure try to.  I can’t change that there’s injustice in this world.  But I can choose not to give up.  I can choose to be Nice Mommy during the morning rush of getting the family out the door instead of being Mrs Cranky Pants.  Not easy, but the right choice because pretty is as pretty does.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

When do I get a turn?

This posting will be whiny.  If you're not in the mood for that, check in another day.  I'm like a pressure cooker (which I've never acutally used, but I have the basic concept in my mind).  I get all this pent up emotion and it just has to come out.  A favorite way is to just talk, talk, talk and talk to my husband about it, but he's not such a fan of that.  So here we are.

I've spent a bit of time today designing a Shutterfly book for my mom for Mother's Day.  I really do enjoy scrapbooking, but digital scrapbooking isn't as fulfilling for me.  I like to actually feel the paper on my fingers.  But for her, I'll happily do it.  I decided to make it a chronological book of our joint Mother's Days since I've become a mom.  Very sweet project that I know she'll love.

I even decided to go ahead and design my own gift from Shutterfly that the boys will give to me.  I've never done that before, but there's a great sale on, shipping will already be paid and why not?  Better than the gift that Aaron would not even get for me if I didn't nag him.

Wow.  That sounded angry.  Since my posting here about my exsistential (I don't have the patience to correct my spelling there) crisis, a whirlwind of running into a friend who knew about a job led to an interview and a job offer.  I accepted.  Yikes.  Now I'm in this weird land of "What did I do?"

I liken it to being a baby bird in a nest.  For the past few years I've been home with my boys.  It hasn't been a tea party and I didn't want to stay there forever, but I was comfortable.  Now I can see that this stage of my life is going to change.  I know I'll still be a mom and I know my role in my boys' lives will still be crucial, but my time will be spent differently.  I'm grieving that time has passed.

I was at MOPs yesterday and I was struck by how much life has changed since September.  We started the year with many pregnancies and now how lots of babies.  I'm happy for them, but I reminded me that they're still very much in MOPsLand.  I'm not.  And it's OK.

The other day Aaron asked if I want another baby.  Kathryn, a dear friend, had baby Allison and I got to hold her last weekend.  Beautiful baby girl.  Yes, I would love to have a girl; a sweet redheaded little angel to wear matching dresses with and paint my nails with.  But, I have a peace that 3 is a how many children I need.  With my luck, if I were to get pregnant again I would just add another boy to my brood and he would be louder and smellier than the rest.

No, a baby isn't what I need.  I just need time to accept that time passes and it's OK.  Worry is hard for me.  With going back to work looming in the future I worry.  I told Taylor, a sweet friend who works very successfully part-time while she has 3 sons, about my worry.  When I told her my biggest worry--when I'll go to the grocery store--she laughed.  Actually chuckled.  It was a light moment that made me see that in the light of eternity, I'm being silly.

I thrive on routine.  No, I thrive on control.  Routine is just wanting to control everything around me.  I even love scrapbooking because it's a tangible way to make order of chaos.  I realize that sounded super hoaky considering it's my hobby and my pages are far from being works of art, but I like order.

Aaron has this weird theory that all Muppets are order or chaos Muppets.  They either create havoc or they try to make order of it.  Miss Piggy?  Chaos.  Kermit?  Order.  Animal?  Chaos.  Crazy chef guy?  Chaos.  Two of my sons land firmly in the chaos camp and son #1 and I live happily in the Order part of the world.  Take my order away and I get cranky.

This new job is an exciting opportunity and the logical part of me knows it's going to be wonderful.  A way for me to grow professionally and positively impact young adults.  Super duper cool.  But I still have to figure out when to go to the grocery store.

When I was at Baylor, we taught at Welcome Week that there are 4 parts to a person:  intellectual, spiritual, physical and emotional.  All parts to the wheel have to be maintained.  Adding motherhood to the burden of the wheel makes the balance of those things so difficult.  It seems the emotion part of the wheel overinflates as the intellectual part shrinks.

Part of me is excited that the intellectual part of my brain will be challenged again.  I've missed using Spanish and I'll be teaching it.  I know I will enjoy it.  The other parts of the wheel will still be there and I know I can figure out how to balance all this.

Especially when I can write whiny posts like this one. 

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Camping for the first time

Before I begin the post about camping, let's take a quick moment and discuss coffee.  Love it.  My husband is a "barefoot coffee" guy (meaning he drinks it straight black).  I guess that would make me a "fancy-shmanchy boot-wearing coffee" kind of girl.  I like some 1/2 & 1/2, sugar and a bit of flavoring in my cup to jazz the coffee up a bit.  When I order coffee at Starbuck's, he says I get terrible coffee with a side of candy.  Oh well.  He can have his opinion and I can have mine.

Today I went by Starbuck's (brilliant marking plan to have it right there in Target) and got the best drink ever:  a short cup of blonde roast with a squirt of salted caramel.  For $1.77, I got a cup 2/3 full of mellower flavored coffee with a this yummy sweetness that the sweet barista concocted just for me (wow--I am very special) and I got to fill the rest of the cup with 1/2 and 1/2.  Life seriously doesn't get better.

Thanks for following me down that bunny trail.  Back to the subject at hand:  camping.  As a child, I slept in a tent once with my brother and my grandma.  I was about 10 and we slept in our backyard.  It is a good memory, but that was my extent of experience in a tent before last week.

I married a mountain man.  He could seriously live off the grid and be completely happy as long as he had a supply of coffee.  I, on the other hand, am just a bit more froofy.  I've learned that as the mom of 3 boys who are growing to be very much like him, I can choose to toughen up and join in the fun or choose to stay prissy and clean and abstain.  It's a choice to make as situations arise, but camping is something I decided to embrace.

Our Spring Break was last week and it was a chilly one.  When I suggested going camping for a night, I fully expected we would rent a camper of some kind.  Many of my friends camp with their families and almost all have campers or RVs.  Aaron priced said campers and decided we would give his tent a go before forking out the money.  I reluctantly agreed.  I stressed over what to pack and made the mistake of going on Pinterest and seeing how others pack to camp.

In theory, this was a great decision and I will say it really paid off when I had packed an extra pair of shoes for all and they were needed thanks to a poor decision by son #1.  But beyond that, seeing what all everyone else did just stressed me out.  A good friend sent me a list of what she and her husband had on their list and that was very helpful.  The great thing was the Aaron had about 98% of the gear we needed from previous hunting trips, so the shopping was easier than I had anticipated.

When he made our reservation at a state park about an hour from our home, he chose to get us a site with water and electricity.  The morning of the trip, I was a bit overwhelmed with the vast amount of stuff needed to camp out for one night, but Aaron and I worked together with the huge list we had compiled from my friend's list as well as a handful found on Pinterest.

We stopped at DQ on our way which is a treat for all.  When we arrived at the state park, we all went in and the boys were very impressed with how many toys were available to buy there.  I wasn't.  We made it to our camp site, #38, and I was struck by the fact we had a parking space, a picnic table which was good-sized, a cleared out area that seemed to be gravel and the water and electrical outlet.  Not lots of space.  Very close to numbers 37 and 39 which also had families at them. 

Aaron made short work of putting up the tent with all of us helping.  He then aired up the air mattresses like a champ.  I would still be blowing those up if it had been my job.  With camp set up, we headed out to explore.

We did a geocache to start off.  The boys enjoyed the hike and weren't too interested in finding the treasure, but Aaron liked it.  I'm not good at looking for things and tend to get bored quickly.  Aaron's a much better treasure hunter than me.  I was relieved when he found it because I was afraid the treasure wasn't there.

After that, the boys played at the playground for a bit and then we headed out to fish.  The adventure with fishing was that we walked around the lake to find the perfect spot.  There was a narrow trail that Aaron led us down that got more and more narrow.  We had to climb up the bank at one point because neither me nor Aaron wanted to jump in after boys if one of them lost their footing.

We found a good spot and fished for a bit.  The boys aren't great at casting, but they liked being on the water.  If it had been warmer and I had planned a bit better, they would have worn waterish shoes so they could wade out a bit.  The shoes didn't stop #1.  They loved the shells and the water.

At one point, #2 needed to use the bathroom so I took him.  He loved the hike around the lake.  Honestly, I did, too.  No fish were caught but we had a great time.  At the bathroom, there was a mom who got irritated at her daughters for wanting to climb the tree just up the way from the bathrooms.  I was thrilled my boys were interested in the tree so I could pop into the facility while Aaron was gathering fire wood.  To each his own.

Watching the boys "help" Aaron start the camp fire was a cool moment.  They were so impressed with how he could use the magical tools to start a fire.  If that would have been my job, we would still be out there waiting for me to get one lit.  The hot dogs were yummy and I totally enjoyed not feeling like I had to also have a vegetable at the dinner table.  S'mores were hit and I learned that for next time, #2 and Aaron really don't need S'mores.  Marshmallows are really all they want.  Good to know.

As it got dark, I thought it wise for Aaron to take #3 and #1 to the bathrooms while #2 and I watched the fire.  I don't really know what we would have done had something have happened to the fire in Aaron's absence, but luckily we didn't have to see.  Aaron and the boys were gone for over 30 minutes.  I started getting worried.  #2 asked if he could go ahead and put on his PJs since it was getting cold.  I told him he could.  Turns out the bathrooms were a 20 minute round trip for me to walk.  Yikes.  Good to know for next time.

Our tent is for 4.  We are a family of 5.  It was a bit snug, but at least we were warm on a chilly evening.  I tend to get cold and than stay that way which makes me whiny.  Aaron thought ahead and got a sleeping bag rated for 30 degrees for me.  I was warm and toasty.  With my air mattress I was very comfy except for #3 kicking me in the head throughout the night.  He had turned 90 degrees during the night so he would head butt Aaron while also kicking me.  Quite an adventure that he doesn't even remember.  Boy #1 woke up at 5, totally ready to take on the day.  The rest of us weren't.  Aaron convinced him to keep resting until about 7. 

On my morning constitutional to the facilities, I noticed that those of us in tents were up and about but those in campers weren't.  I also noticed that my boys were noisier than I would have preferred, but quiet isn't really a setting for #1.  He lives life loud.

Aaron made us bacon and eggs and we enjoyed coffee.  So glad I packed the coffee creamer.  That hazelnut sure tasted good in the chilly air while trying to hush my boys.  We broke camp and went on to explore.  There was a historic fort we got to see and of all of us, Aaron liked that the most.  The boys liked seeing the weapons.  I was just happy to be there.

We did another geocache that was easier, but the boys were tired.  It was time to head home.  Rain hit as we drove.  So glad it didn't come in during the night.

My goal with this adventure was the leave with a smile on my face.  I met my goal.  I loved being out in nature with my family.  Even when I swear I heard a coyote outside our tent somewhere around 3AM, it was good.  My boys had a great time.  We're making plans to get a bigger tent and go again before the heat hits this summer.

I like that I can be a froofy coffee girl but can also brave the wilderness with my boys.  Motherhood helps us grow in many ways, toughness being one of them.