Organized happiness

Welcome to our toy closet.  I took all of about 20 minutes this morning and got control of this chaos.  I culled a few things--good-bye Mr Potato Head!--and put remaining toys into plastic shoe boxes that stack.  It's amazing how wonderful the finished product made me feel.  An added bonus is that a friend who has younger kids than mine is going to take most of the things we don't use any more.  Hooray!

Another happy thing to share...I made crepes for the first time this morning and they were wonderful!  I fell in love with crepes when I studied in Europe back before I got married.  Ironically, Aaron makes them very well but getting him to do it is like pulling hen's teeth.  I finally decided to learn to make them.  So glad I did.  They really weren't that tricky and now I feel like a Rock Star! 

I haven't updated in a while...the getaway with the hubs was fantastic.  We had a wonderful time.  We hiked, shopped (my husband enjoyed that way more than I did), tasted wine, ate German food (I wasn't impressed) and my favorite--we went to Luckenbach. 

This is Aaron and me, ready to dance.  Luckenbach was made famous through a Willie Nelson song and in it he says let's get away from the rat race and get back to the basics of life.  That song became our theme song for our getaway.  Aaron was sweet--he made a play list of Texas songs to listen to as we drove.  I don't love Robert Earl Keane and had to keep listening to him, but it was still fun.  Luckenback is a very, very small town that consists of a post office (now a store), a bar and a dance hall.  Really.  That's it.  There's also a concession stand.  We were there for the dancing and weren't disappointed. 

The band was great.  They did lots of covers of the good country swing that is super fun to dance to.  Aaron kept me on my toes--lots of spins and fancy stuff that I had forgotten.  It's been years since we've danced.  It was really great to be reminded that we still can.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...my fear about the dog misbehaving and upsetting Grandpa happened.  Life went on. 

In His hand

Last week I was a mess.  The getaway with the hubs was fantastic, but it threw me off my normal routine of how I do things.  That always throws me for a loop.  Added to it that my household was mildly changed by the grandparents watching the kids and the fridge just deciding to go out, a lot of change was thrown my way.

Change and I aren't friends, but this morning my quiet time served as an excellent reminder that the Bible promises in Hebrews that God never changes.  In Isaiah I was reminded that God holds my right hand. 

With that, I wrote out the "stuff" weighing me down.  I just let the ideas flow.  Afterwards, I highlighted the things I can do to bring about resolution for the stuff. 

Today I have an action plan.  I'll follow it.  And I'm going to choose to rest in the thought that God is holding my right hand, just as He did when I was a child, a teen, a single girl, a teacher, a woman wanting to be a mom, a mom of preschoolers and now a mom on the cusp of letting her babies start kinder.  He'll be there when I drop them off the first day.  He'll also be there with them.

And He's here today.  As I do laundry, make phone calls, start plans for next fall that I don't feel all that comfortable with and as I love my boys.

It's easy to feel out of control because I'm entering uncharted waters for me.  But that's not of God.  God is here, I just need to look to Him for comfort, wisdom, guidance and strength.

Holy housecleaning

My title today sounds like something Robin would say to Batman.  But, it's actually from a sermon the other day about Jesus cleaning out the temple. 

The pastor went on to challenge us that "Holy housecleaning" means that we clean out of our lives what shouldn't be in them.  The irony is that just that morning, Aaron and I had one of "those talks" in marriage in which things that aren't working are addressed.  With emotion.  Out of respect for Aaron, I'm not going to rehash that conversation here but suffice it to say I was humbled that I'm not being the wife that I need to be and change needs to happen.

Holy housecleaning isn't fun.  It's necessary so that we can better be who God created us to be, but the humbling hurts.  My pride is stung.

This afternoon my parents arrive to get ready to watch our boys so that Aaron and I can go on our 10 year anniversary trip.  And I'm nervous as a cat.  I'll do a "heart sneeze" to list the worries I have.  That my boys will be horribly behaved for my parents, that there won't be enough food, that our stupid new dog will do something really dumb like excitedly nip (known by everyone in the world as bite except my husband who thinks this stupid animal is fantastic) one of my boys and my parents will be insistent that he gets put down, something minor could happen to a farm animal and my dad (not farm-savvy) would call a vet and we would be out a big fee and I would have to run interference between my dad and my husband, my mom be appalled at the not clean state of my home and the biggie:  I not feel very "wifey" on the vacation but have to figure out how to be that way anyway because that's what you do to celebrate your anniversary.

I spent the last 30 minutes writing up a medical authorization for so that if my kids have to go to the hospital, approval is given.  Fun.  While printing it, the lovely dog peed on the carpet.  Could this day get better?

Enough whining.  Time to write out an explanation of the steps of how to make the TV work.  I was really thinking of adding pictures to the explanation, but decided against it.  Enough is enough.

How I do my quiet time

I love my morning quiet time.  I get up early, make my coffee and savor it while I spend time with God.  The top picture shows how I start the time--with the reminder that God loves me.  Period.  Every day.  I say a prayer thanking the Lord for that fact and asking him to bless my time with him.

I then do my "academic" part.  I attend CBS, an in-depth bible study.  This year we're doing the book of Acts.  I do the work for the day, reading the section of Acts and answering the questions.

After that, I review the bible verses I'm working on right now in the spiral notecard pack.  I'll be honest--I'm not making memorization a priority and I should.  I do, however, review these verses and meditate on them.

Next I use the flowered notebook that has my sermon notes.  I read back through them and pray them for my life.  At the end of the book, I have 2 sections that I write in.

One is for recording where I have seen God's fingerprints.  I'll write the date and record how I see God working in my life through people, circumstances, etc.  If I don't have something to write that day, I list something I'm thankful for on the thankfulness section.

I then go to my prayer scrapbook.  On the pages, I have a picture and things to pray for.  When I get an answer, I highlight and date it.  I've been doing it for 4 years now and I love seeing how the Lord works. 

The last part is the book Jesus Calling.  It's a devotional book that reminds me of Jesus calling me to follow him daily.  I often write down the big idea so I can put it on my kitchen counter and it keeps me "honest" throughout the day.

One of my big fears of my twins starting kinder in the fall is that I won't have time for my luxurious time in the morning with the Lord.  I'm trusting that the Lord will help know how to  do it in a timely manner. Until then, I sure enjoy it.

Lessons from sheep

I don't know how much I've shared here about our animals, but we have some.  My husband grew up having animals for 4-H projects as well as dinner.  We are continuing with this tradition for our family.  His eventual goal is to be a full-time farmer but until he's at that point, we're moving steadily towards it.

A year ago, we had one dog.  Six months ago, we had a few animals--the dog passed away over the summer, but we added 5 sheep.  And then 2 pigs.  Followed by a dog to protect the sheep and 2 cows.  We then added another dog because Aaron needed a buddy that would be a pet as well as help him herd the sheep. 

The pigs are doing their job--eating, getting fat, fertilizing their pen for a future garden.  They will also be filling the freezer soon.  The calf, T-Bone, is also doing his job in growing to fill the freezer soon.  His mom, Bessie, is pregnant and will give us a calf at some point. 

As of yesterday, our sheep count is up to 11 sheep.  In farming terms, these are great advances. We have 6 lambs.  Allow me to share a bit about these little wooly boogers.  The breed we have isn't at all maternal.  The moms don't seem to care a bit about their lambs.  It's very odd and almost troubling to me.  I'm having to learn that not all creatures on this planet are the same and accept that fact.

The truth is that the boy lambs, 2 are boys, will only be with us a few more months and then they'll head off to be sold for meat.  This is the way a farm makes money, and we are farmers.  I'm having to get my head around this.

One of the dogs, Hank, is a protection dog.  He lives full-time with the sheep is his sole purpose is to protect them from coyotes.  The problem is he's a puppy and a doofus.  He plays too rough with the lambs and has injured their knees.  Very irritating.  Blaze, one of the lambs, is not healing very quickly and Aaron has had to doctor her up a few times.  She isn't nursing and acts like life is just not good.  She lays away from the other sheep.  And does her mom stay with her?  Nope.  She ignores her.  Tears my heart out.

So, last night when Aaron asked me to bottle feed her I was happy to do it.  I thought it would be sweet but it wasn't.  She wasn't interested at all and wrestling with her was just awkward.

Last night, I had her in a leg lock--she was in between my legs as a bent down over her, giving her the bottle.  Aaron had been more assertive with her and I could tell she preferred my gentle approach.  Awkward as it was, son #3 stood beside me and said sweet things to her as I coaxed her to take the bottle.  Such a precious moment for us.  As we did this, I could hear #2 in the pig pen literally chasing the pigs around, asking them to fight him.  It was very humorous to listen to.  #1 was off digging holes somewhere for some imaginary project.

Farming is so much more than I thought it was.  There's a softness to it when the animals need care.  There's a toughness to it when the animals have to be fed even when it's cold outside and we don't want to go.  And there's a beauty in realizing that God created nature to have seasons--seasons of birth, seasons of death and seasons of laughter and tears.  There's not much cuter in this world than watching a baby lamb bound across a field just loving life.  It's also heartbreaking to watch a baby lamb hobble after her mom who isn't even noticing her. 

But they're not people.  They don't have our level of feelings or emotions.  There are lots of things I could complain about with the farming.  I won't go down that road today.  What I love the most is being on this adventure as a family.  Celebrating that Blaze stood near her mom yesterday and that the other lambs are doing well.  Laughing with the boys and Aaron at the silly sounds the pigs make.  Watching Aaron teach the boys how to be men who love the land and work hard. 

As the fabric of our family weaves together to create who we are, it's really beautiful to step back and see that those carefully made stitches are coming together to form a beautiful tapestry.  Maybe not the one I had planned out, but one that is uniquely us.  One I'm proud to be a part of.

Who am I pleasing?

I accidentally found a great book that I want to recommend:  Women Who Try too Hard:  Breaking the Pleaser Habits by Dr Kevin Leman.

I was looking for another book and found this one in my search.  I'll say that not all of this book applies to me, but I got some great nuggets from it.  I'll share a few:

*You can be a "pleaser" and not be a doormat.  I love pleasing people, but this book reminded me that it's my choice to please others.  It's OK to disappoint others, too when I say no.

*Being a perfectionist isn't that great.  In this book, there's a wonderful chart that compares what a perfectionist expects and what someone who has high expectations of herself expects.  Being a perfectionist is tiring and exhausting.  Pre-kids, I wouldn't have considered myself a perfectionist.  I enjoyed teaching, my home and my life.  I didn't feel like I needed a tight grip to be OK.  And then kids came along and I felt overwhelmed by not measuring up.  What a lie.  I cringe that I bought into it for so long (and continue to when I stop paying attention).

The perfectionist vs non-perfectionist basically comes down to what Aaron and I call the "growth mindset."  We read a book a few years back that discussed the difference between the growth mindset--one that believes change is possible--as opposed to the closed mindset--one that believes change isn't possible.

Just the other day we had a tiff about our new dog.  He's irritating.  At just the worst time--when I'm preparing dinner--he gets super hyper and wants to pay with the boys when they don't want anything to do with him.  This is a problem.  We finally agreed that the growth mindset was needed here.  I had to become the boss of the dog and the situation.  I did and even though the dog still isn't my favorite thing in my life, that hour is much improved.

The other day I did an exercise video (yes, I enjoy those) that I got on NetFlix.  It was hip hop.  I'm not a hip hop girl but I sure enjoy dancing like a crazy person around my living room.  And I didn't follow the instructor exactly.  At first I was bothered that I wasn't exactly doing what she was, but then I realized my way was more fun for me so I should just enjoy it.  And I did.

*Dr Lehman made the argument that to have a strong self-esteem you need to believe in God's love for you.  That was nice to hear.  I'm really working on reminding myself that God loves me for who I am regardless of what I do or how well I do it.  I had no idea how little I accepted God's unconditional love for me until recently.  What a beautiful realization.

*I can do things that are pleasing for others, but I can do them because it's fun for me.  In our Sunday School class, it's easy to see what parts of the body we are.  Jenny who organizes the backpack ministry is the heart, Rachel who sends out the weekly emails and organizes us is the brain, many of the men are the mouths and others have their places.  I thought I was another mouth because I talk enough for me and Aaron, but I've realized I'm the eyes.  I have a heart for those just outside the fold.  When visitors come, it's very important to me that they feel included and welcomed.

On this, I decided to make a bulletin board for our class.  In years past, we have shared classroom space with the PK choir so we haven't had use of the bulletin boards.  Now, the boards are empty.  Not fun.  So, I decided to use them to spruce up our classroom a bit.  I took pictures of everyone and asked them to fill out a very small info blurb.  I met with mild resistance but they complied.  I had lots of fun getting the necessary cute stuff for the bulletin board to make it look nice. 

We actually have a artist type in our class who could do this same project and make it look 200% better than I will.  But that's OK.  She's on the church's building committee and her cup is full with that.  I'm excited to do it so that when a couple comes in, they can see that they have things in common with those of us in the room.  That's a good thing to see.  When I finish it up I doubt I'll get cheers but I'm not doing it for those already in the group.  God gave me the vision to see what a small thing like a bulletin board can be for someone looking to find a place to belong.  And I'm blessed that I have the time available to do it.

The book talks a lot about women who are much more dependent on pleasing others than I am.  I am what he calls a "positive pleaser" which means I do like pleasing, but I do it in a way that's positive for me.  Most of the time.  Not so much with my parents--I do try too hard to gain their approval.  At least I know that so I can work to do better with it in the future.

It's so nice to know that at 34 I'm still growing and improving.  I want to enjoy my life, not waste it away hoping for the approval of others.  Wish it were easier to do, but it's nice to know I have a choice in the matter.