Thursday, January 8, 2015

The impeded stream

I'm feeling like wrestling with deep issues today. My house is quiet, my little dog is cuddled up beside me and I feel like digging deep.

I'm reading a book by Jenny Simmons called _the road to becoming._ it's an interesting read about her journey from being in a band, Addison road, which had success, to figuring out what to do when the band called it quits.

It's a book about burying a dream, grieving, being lost and following God on the road to becoming. I bought it because her father in law is our music minister and I like her music, but God is showing me some beautiful truths through it.

About a month ago,I was contacted that my birth mother had written me a letter and I had to give permission to receive it. I did. The letter opened the door to emotions buried deep within me that I wasn't even aware of. Tough. Added to it that I'm in this existential weird place of trying to figure out what "Laura 2.0" will be now that I'm headed back to work. it's a lot to sift through.

I've given myself permission to feel. anger spikes up at times. I feel like I've worked so hard to please everyone around me and what has it gained? Not much. I learned a while back that I have to work to stay in touch with what I want because I'll easily be swayed along to make others happy.

I won't go into it, but the letter wasn't what I had hoped for .I've heard that it's common for adopted people to have an idealized vision of their birth parents. I had been told a set of information that made me think x. The letter showed y.

Making peace with that is hard. I profess to be a Christian and give lip service to giving my life to Christ, but when "y" was the reality,I was shaken to my core. Who I always thought I was seemed to be ripped away. I thought I really believed that my identity is in Christ but I didn't.

Now I see I was mourning the loss of my dream. I'm working to accept reality. It's hard. But I can trace God's hand as I look at my own growth.

In Jenny's book she quotes Wendell berry "it may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our true journey.the mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one sings."

Wow. I'm wrestling right now with deep issues of worth and identity. At 36. I didn't sign up for this. My stream was impeded enough with 3 little boys,a husband, 2 dogs, a new job, etc before all this came along. But it's here anyway.

So, today I'm choosing to wrestle with it. I'm reminded that regardless of my DNA or the circumstances of my upbringing, I'm a loved child of God. I can't earn his love or lose it. It's mine to accept.  Who will Laura 2.0 be? Still loved, regardless of the job I take or whatever I do. Victory is mine in Jesus if I'll lean into him and choose to let go of my perceived ideas of who I am. I'm enough. I'm loved. I'm amazing. I'm victorious.