Who am I now?

This week I gave a devotional to my MOPs discussion group leaders (I'm the team leader) that really gave me pause.  I used an article from my MOPs magazine, MomSense, in which the author brilliantly states her name currently is Empty, was Perfect pre-kids but through soul-searching and prayer, has discovered her name is Loved.  Her friend was Charisma, post-kids became Overcommitted and now, happily, is Accepted.

Cool.  Made me want to share and discuss this with my girls.  Great discussion followed with my group.  Love that. 

Hello, I'm Grumpy.  I used to be Interesting, but now I use my "mean mommy" voice so often that it's pretty much become how I talk.  Embarrassing. 

After thinking about it, I bet I'm a lot like the author's friend, Accepted.  Back in my glory days, I had lots of charisma.  I was fun to be around.  I thrived on the positive attention from others.  Teaching elementary kids was a perfect fit for me.  And then I had kids.  Those moments that made me feel really worthy--getting a compliment from the principal, a note of thanks from a parent, a sweet hug from a student, the joy of watching the kids grow under my guidance--just stopped.  Doing laundry doesn't give me the same zing.  Yes, I enjoy my own kids' development and reaching their milestones, but it's just not the same. 

I've recently realized that I wrongly base my worth on what I'm accomplishing.  My default setting is to gain approval by achieving.  I'm not quite sure where I picked that up, but I know it's wrong.  I found myself at Thanksgiving feeling out of whack.  Like I just didn't belong with the family.  I would make myself take a deep breath and pray "Lord, you love me because you created me.  I can't gain your love or earn it.  Help me just live happily in you."

It wasn't a magic pill and it's a prayer I have to say often, but my grumpiness sure would disappear if I would live it instead of visiting it every so often.

I've decided my new name is Joyful.  I feel like one of the 7 dwarves.  I was Grumpy, have been Sleepy, Doc and Sneezy.  Though never Bashful, and I was tempted to become Happy.  But I've also learned that happiness is based on circumstances, like how my 3 year old chooses to behave in the library this morning.  He chose poorly but do I have to be Grumpy because of him?  I'm trying to learn that Joyful takes a deep breath, picks up the embarrassing kid, leaves the library, and chooses not to have a rotten day.

I took some time to scrapbook this afternoon.  Success--I finished my Christmas pages!  I love the process of scrapbooking and feeling of completion of a task accomplished well.  It helps me recharge my batteries.  I'm irritated that I'm out of page protectors for my scrapbook, but hey, that really is a minor detail.  Grumpy would focus on that, but Joyful will choose to focus on the fun it was to create something beautiful that I love.

What's your name?