Flat brain tango

When we moved about a year ago, my husband and I had an ugly moment.  I will admit it--it was my fault.  I didn't mean to upset him and I really did think I was helping, but in our 8 years of marriage it was probably the most upset he's been with me.

We were packing, me doing the lion's share of it while 3 young, very active boys were at home with me.  Not a fun summer.  Aaron posted on Craig's list that something was free for the taking.  I think it was a broken lawn mower. 

A guy came out to get it one afternoon while my husband was at work.  I had no knowledge of the item and had to worry about my boys while this stranger was looking around our garage.  He asked if it had a key.  Who knew?  Aaron wasn't answering his phone.  (He was in a meeting and couldn't).  The man also asked if a wagon was available for the taking.  I called again.  No answer. 

The wise woman would have said, "No."  Please only take the mower and have a nice day."  Not me.  I gave him the wagon.  All I thought was how much stuff was in that garage, my boys were antsy, I wanted this man out of my garage and Aaron had a ton to pack.  Giving the wagon seemed to be a favor.  Wrong.

When Aaron realized what I had done, he was really mad.  Aaron isn't a yeller.  He's a quiet seether.  Not fun.  He found out what I had done at the dinner table in front of our boys.  In hind sight, they got to see a great example of conflict resolution.  I cried.  He voiced his upset--he had huge plans for this wagon that he had actually told me about but I hadn't been listening when we told me.  I offered to track down the wagon taker and drive to get it back but that wasn't acceptable.  It irked me at the time that the wagon was a big enough deal to get really angry at me over but it wasn't a big enough deal to go retrieve.

Now I see that the bigger issue that was just waiting to blow up was my listening.  I'm bad at it.  Horrible.  I'm a talker.  I'll admit it--I plan what I'm going to say before the other person has even finished talking.  My husband isn't at all chatty and he speaks slowly.  (It's a west Texas thing, not a reflection of his intelligence).  I'm a fast processor and I lived in Spain for a year.  In Spain, the family I lived with interrupted each other constantly and spoke really loudly.  I fit in just fine.  But it left my Texas social skills a bit lacking.

When my dad, Aaron or son #2 choose to talk (which isn't super often since they're all pretty introverted) they tend to give verbal dissertations.  I get bored pretty quick with many of the chosen topics of interest.  Before I know it, my eyes glaze over, I zone out, nod and feign interest.  Super cool.

Aaron was right to be upset.  We clearly had an issue to address.  So, he got on Amazon and got me a book:  Why Don't We Listen Better?  I like the "we" in the title.  Being a good wife, I read it, taking notes diligently.

I got some great ways to grow from it.  My faves:
*really listen.  Repeat back what I hear to be sure I've gotten the true meaning of what was said.  This really helps in heated conversations.  It also helps friends who need to process through something without making judgements, offering unwanted advice or being dismissive.  I'm finding it's also really helpful with my kids--they are challenged to find their own solutions and not rely on me to tell them what to do.
*Be more thoughtful of the speaker.  Don't interrupt.  Don't plan my come back. 
*Keep in mind that normal conversation is like volleying a ball back and forth.  I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk.  This is helpful with Aaron.
*Use a number system.  If Aaron and I are at an impass about something, we rate our feelings.  Ex:  it's takeout night.  I want Chinese.  He wants wings.  I'm at 3 (with 10 being highest) and he's a 9.  We get wings and it's easy for me to let it go.

The big thing I got from the book, though is the concept of the Flat Brain Tango.  The author says that sometimes our brains just go "flat" when something huge is dropped on us and we haven't let it go yet.  It's all we can talk about, think about and everything else around us is filtered through its lens.

After my twins were born, I was flat brained for a while.  Their birth was very traumatic (which I've come to decide all births are) and even though 5 years later we have a happy ending and all is well, I had a lot of disappointment, anger, guilt and shame to work through.  These really strong feelings would come out at odd times.  I remember being in chick-fil-a with my then twin babies and a stranger asked how big they were at birth.  The answer--1 lb 10 and 1 lb 11oz--would make me cry.  In front of a stranger.  And I would stay upset for a while.

I wisely saw a Christian counselor and we worked through these feelings and I was able to let them go and move on with my life.  I still get flat brained over their birth from time to time, but I understand now to pray, journal, talk through it and release the emotions so I can "unflatten my brain" and be who I need to be again.

Some people (Aaron) rarely get flat-brained.  I do easily.  The tango is figuring out how to stay un-flat brained when something happens (often in conversation) and you find yourself in a tango with being flat-brained.

This term helps me and Aaron a lot.  When I'm flat-brained, we call it.  It helps removed some of the charge of the emotion.  It also helps me start the process of figuring out what the root of it is.  We have figured out that once we put a feeling word (lonely, sad, disappointed, mad) on what's going on, it's like the air comes out of the balloon.  On a good day I can journal to figure out what's going on.  I've also figured out that when I'm really flat-brained, I need to retell what the issue several times to truly get it out.

Did Aaron ever read this fantastic book?  Nope.  But listening comes relatively easily for him and now that I've found my "sea legs" in marriage there are times when I gently insist that he listen to something I need to say.

I'm finding that when I text I use the listening skills I learned.  I can tell I'm becoming a better listener.  Boy #1 is like me.  Listening is not a strong suit.  But I can show him how to develop it.  I like to think his future wife will thank me. 

I like knowing that there are ways I can grow and become a better person.  Just as God's mercies are new every morning, so is our chance to take an honest look at ourselves and say "Hmmm...I sure could be better at that."