Meerkat peer pressure

I haven't posted for a while.  The main reason is that I was out of town for 10 days with my parents and kids.  While on vacation, I unplugged except for a few texts to friends and my husband who didn't go on the vacation.

We've been home for 6 days now and I think I'm going through emotional post-traumatic stress disorder.  I mean no insult to soldiers or first responders who actual deal with this, but dude, being in a fish bowl with my very active little boys while my parents are watching just wears me out.

I have tons of fantastic memories of the trip.  We went to the beach and I got to see the wonder in my boys' eyes as they took in the vastness of God's amazing creation:  the ocean.  Wow.  I thought that moment would be neat, but it stands as one of my very favorite mom moments.

A quick side note--yesterday boy #2 asked what threatened means.  I explained briefly.  I asked "What do we do when we feel threatened?"  #2:  "Get out your gun and shoot."  I'm sure the NRA would be proud that Aaron has taught them so well.  I told him that's an option at certain times but not appropriate at others.  I asked specifically what I do when I'm threatened.  #1 melted my heart with "Mommy, you pray."  Wow.  That was one of those moments in time when I can see that the investment of my time and energy shaping my boys. 

Back to emotional coming-down.  On the trip, I felt this pressure to be "on" all the time, even sleeping in the same room as my boys, which I've never done before.  They still got up every morning at 5:30.  Yuck.  At home, I'm at peace with them getting up because they've figured out to play with each other and I've learned to do my quiet time and tune them out.  Not ideal, but it works relatively well. 

Not so in a hotel.  Suffice it to say I felt like I was keeping a lid on a tornado for much of the time of the trip.  My sweet parents did all they could to help out, but #2 became very clingy to me on the way back home which drove me crazy.

Now we're back home and I just want to draw a line around myself and not let anyone in.  I crave time alone.  I also would really like to spend time with friends but I just don't have the extra energy for their kids.  I'm just worn out of little people right now.

I've learned through the years that if I don't have the boys on a schedule I go crazy.  Left to their own devices too long they got really rough, loud and annoy me terribly.  Last week I tried to be all cool and relaxed, "enjoying summer."  What a joke!  I was not a happy woman.

By Thursday afternoon I knew something had to give.  A trip to the zoo seemed to be a perfect solution.  We met up with a friend there and had a nice time, except the boys kept getting upset we couldn't do everything we saw, like ride the carosel, the train, climb the climbing wall, etc.  They were way more enthusiastic about all of those things than the amazing animals. Their emotional outbursts wore me out as did the walking carrying a heavy bag.

I was really considering getting a season pass to the zoo.  However, after we got home, I thought through why I wanted to spend this very large quantity of money which we hadn't even budgeted.  Many of my friends have done it.  On Mondays in June, season pass holders can get in at 9 instead of 10 and do a special meerkat something.  I thought through this for a moment.  My boys don't care about meerkats and I don't really care to stoke that particular fire in them.  For it to be a savings, I have to take the boys 3 times in the next year.  It's been over a year since the last time I took them and we've lived happily.

So, here's the golden nugget:  instead of giving the zoo lots of money and feeling obligated to go numerous times this summer, I'm going to make a "home day" schedule for us.  The schedule will be loose, but it will include structured time, free time and I'll intentionally schedule things that I really enjoy, like reading Hank the Cowdog chapters and playing the piano.

When I'm not intentional, I find that I don't enjoy my days because my boys enjoy things that I really don't care for.  I get drained quickly and become really grouchy.  Yuck.  But this week I started working through Calm My Anxious Heart and it focused a lot on contentment.  The Lord promises that He gave me the cup big enough for the portion that comes my way.  Then why is it so hard to feel content?

I get that in a global sense my life is a peace of cake.  I have strong, smart, healthy boys.  We have plenty to eat, a lovely home and a comfortable lifestyle.  And yet I want to tear my hair out regularly.  How can that be?  This is just my thinking, but I think that by being so "comfortable" instead of concentrating on actual problems, like having enough food to feed our families, keeping clothes clean by exerting lots of manual labor, being concerned for the safety of our families, we fill that vacuum by being discontent.

It's time to fill the vacuum with good things.  Today I'm climbing out of my grumpy pit and prayerfully making a plan for the upcoming week that will include things that will honor God and be positive.