20 years later

My high school reunion was last Saturday night.  I went to a huge high school and I had the odd experience of not recognizing many, many faces in the ballroom even though I consider myself fairly social.  I realize many of them were spouses so I couldn't have known them, but it still felt a bit weird.

When I went to my 10 year reunion I was in the center of where I wanted to be:  I was married to a wonderful man, I had a job I loved and I was absolutely at peace.  I was proud of tell that I was bilingual and taught Spanish-speaking first graders every day.  That's awesome.

So why did I feel insecure 10 years later?  I'm the same person.  I'm happily married to the same wonderful man.  We've added 3 boys since 10 years ago and they're fantastic. 

I'm now a mom of 3 boys which let's just be honest for a second and agree that motherhood is very humbling.  I rocked teaching.  I enjoyed it very much.  Motherhood is hard!  Recently I took the time to write out my goals in different areas of my life.  My goal for mothering my boys is to teach them to love Jesus and others and to give them a soft place to fall.  Being that soft place is exhausting and not at all glamorous.  But I digress.

I also work part-time now as an assistant speech therapist.  It's a great job and I'm doing wonderful work with it.

Then why did I feel like I don't measure up to the others in the room at the reunion?  Where is the stick I'm trying to measure up to?  I don't even know.

All I know is I cried yesterday when I saw on Facebook that my circle of friends had a meal outside of the reunion that I wasn't invited to.  Ouch.  Regardless of the fact that I couldn't have gone, it still stung.  What, am I 14?  I am a confident, happy woman.  Why are my emotions being rocked like this?

Because I'm human.  I want to be liked.  I want to have a place at the table.

Well, this morning I had a fantastic quiet time where I confessed my insecurities to God and asked Him to fill me with truth:  I'm loved by God and I need to seek comfort in Him, not this fickle world.  I was looking to the wrong place for affirmation.