My existential crisis

A few weeks ago I heard a speaker at our MOPs meeting that really challenged me.  She's a world changer.  She's taken on the issue of sex trafficking and she's doing a lot to rid the world of that evil stench.  She's doing all this while being a mom of kids not that much older than mine.

She shared her story of how over the last 4 years she's been able to follow God's call to create a ministry to these girls pulled into the sex trade.  As she spoke, I was encouraged, inspired, but also really humbled.  What am I doing to change the world?  I play board games with my 4 year old a lot.  I make lots of meals.  I grocery and everything else shop.  Laundry gets done.  Friends are visited.  Lots of time and energy go into church.

Yes, I get it--in the season of having small kids, my mission field is my children.  Sometimes it's hard to feel a lot of satisfaction in folding laundry or reminding them once again to feed the dog.  I've accepted that during this season of my life, my focus is on them and I've worked hard to be content with that calling.

But now, that season is coming to a close.  3 kids is more than enough for me.  I know we're done.  I taught elementary before kids and I've always known I would eventually go back to something to help earn a wage when the time was right.  Even more than that, I miss teaching.  I miss the fellowship of the other teachers.  I miss the connections I made with the kids.  I miss lots of things about teaching that I won't list now.  But that was 7 years ago.  I've heard lots of things about teaching have changed, not to mention I still have 3 children that I will need to dress, feed and nurture even though they won't be preschoolers anymore.

My husband knew I had been considering going to something part time next year when I plan for #3 to be in MDO twice a week instead of once.  I've kicked around some different options but haven't pursued anything.  When I start to do that I get all weepy that the boys are getting big.  I've learned that as my kids grow, I get sad.  The passing of time and change just bring me down.  However, I've also learned to give myself permission to grieve the change but then focus on the good things coming.  There are great things on the horizon for our family in the next season, including me.  Just wish I knew what they were.

Aaron challenged me to figure out what I want to be doing in a year and a half when #3 starts kinder.  My knee jerk response is that I'll be crying because he'll be gone.  Not what he was aiming for.  He then asked me to figure out what I want in 5, 10 and 15 years.  Yikes.  Big points to ponder as I'm trying to convince #3 to not pretend shoot other shoppers in the grocery store with his finger.

I've decided to use this blog to sort out my feelings as I ponder.  I know I've changed over the past 7 years.  Motherhood has made me better--more patient, kinder, more accepting while at the same time more sure of how to assert myself and demand respect.  But how do you put that on a resume?

I don't like dark roads.  I like seeing every bend coming my way.  I'm prayerfully asking God to reveal His perfect will to me and to give me the strength I need to lean on Him as I work to figure all this out.