Mad

A few years ago I read that if your "mad" seemed disproportionate to the things that were upsetting you it was probably worth some thought. 

Well, I'm a passionate person.  My "mad" ignites quickly and I can go from 1 to 9 very quickly. If I could use it for good it would be an awesome super power.  It's not. 

I married a man who is the opposite.  I like to say I'm the fire to his ice.  Sometimes I think he doesn't really value my passionate spirit and nature;  I think it's more annoying than anything to him.  We now have a tween who can also go from 1 to 9 annoyingly quickly and I get how it's not a personality trait to admire.

I heard someone advise once that when you find yourself at a 9, take a moment to take a deep breath and remind yourself that in the grand scheme of God's eternity this was really not a 9.  I actually make myself think (and say out loud if I'm with my boys) "in the grand scheme of God's eternity, this is really a __".  Usually it's about a 0.3 if I'm really honest.  Just going through this helps diffuse my mad.

That was in momland.  I'm now in the working world where I have to behave professionally.  Boo.  The other day I was teaching a college class and I got irritated with something and I snapped.  Not a huge deal;  I doubt the students really noticed that I snapped.  I hid it well.  But the mad was still there.

So why am I mad?  Injustice.  Disrespect.  Meanness.  Bad drivers.  Awful fashion trends.  Getting grey hair.  Uncomfortable shoes.  Having an out of tune piano and forgetting to call the piano tuner.  Entitlement.  The fact that food that tastes really good many times isn't very good for you.  Mass shootings.  Those really throw me.  I pray for the safety of my family, but it's still a horrible reminder of just how awful this world is.  I tell my boys often that on this side of heaven, life is going to be unfair.  It's one thing to say it to my kids and another to trust God with the uncertainty of tomorrow.

I'm sure my passionate nature serves me well;  I think I my "highs" are higher than those of my husband.  However, on the flip side I'm sure my "lows" feel lower.  I think the lows are connected to the "mad."  Writing on this blog helps me shine the light on the mad, analyze it and then let it go.  I also like to play the piano and sing really loud to get the mad out.  I typically do that when my family is gone.  It's not terribly lovely but it sure helps me feel good.

Dabbing Unicorns

Ah, unicorns.  As a mom of all boys I don't get lots of opportunities to be in the world of unicorns.

Side tangent...we play Dungeons and Dragons as a family and I have the honor of being the Dungeon Master.  (If you're unfamiliar with this, it means I'm the narrator of our adventure and I can throw weird stuff in when I feel like it).  I was joking with my husband that I would enjoy this adventure more if there were unicorns.  Alas, he showed me in the Monster Manual that there are in fact unicorns and if I choose to bring one in they'll be in our adventure.  Score!

Anyway, at Christmas I put a handful of "Choose kind" t-shirts on my Amazon wish list.  I love the book (and movie) Wonder and like the thought of reminding the world to be kind through my fashion choices.

My youngest son was looking over my shoulder as I chose and noticed a pink shirt with a rainbow-colored unicorn doing the dab.  Oh my.  It looked like something a 9-year-old would wear proudly.  And somehow I got it for Christmas.

When I wear this t-shirt I feel like I'm dressing too young for my age and I feel a little silly.  However, my son loves it when I wear it and even more than that, it reminds me to embrace the fun of life and not care what others think.  There are so many rules in life that I feel like I have to follow.  It's fun to just wear a silly shirt.

At the donut shop the cashier told me she loved my unicorn shirt.  :)  Me, too.

Unfair

The term "first world problem" reminds me that my frustrations are such small matters in the grand scheme of life.  My family has food to eat, a nice home and stability.  But yet I still feel frustrated today.

It's Saturday, the day for cleaning our home.  Back when I was home full time with small kids we did the cleaning together on Mondays.  It was a good system because I had complete control and a low bar for how much they would help.  The house got clean.

Now, I work part time and yes, I could do all the cleaning which in the short term would be easier for me.  My house would get clean and I wouldn't have to fight with my family.  However, I HATE the entitlement of the current generation of kids so I expect my boys to clean.

We have figured out that I become very unpleasant when delegating cleaning tasks.  My husband has taken this from me.  He assigns the jobs on Saturdays and boys do them.  I've had to choose to let this system be the best it can be and not become a she-dragon.

Small caveat:  when the house has to be clean I give myself permission to do it so I know it gets done well.  Not a perfect system but it works well enough.

What's unfair is I'm the only one who cares if our house gets clean.  Why is that my job?  We have 2 indoor dogs.  The dog hair is obvious but somehow only bugs me.  Oh well.

Church Music

I love music.  I love church.  Hence, it stands to reason that I love church music.

On Wednesday nights I teach the 1st-6th graders of our church.  I have a 20 minute block with the younger and then a 20 minute block with the older.  My goal is to teach them to worship through music.

I teach one hymn a month and one modern song a month.  The hymns come from the Hymn Treasures curriculum and I use the Getty Kids Hymnal:  In Christ Alone for the second song each month.

20 minutes isn't much time, but I've found that longer than that and behavior begins to be a problem for the kids who don't love music. 

Last night we wrapped up "Victory in Jesus" and "Across the Land".  I love, love, love "Victory in Jesus."  We actually sang it congregationally at my wedding to honor my grandparents who had passed on.  I enjoyed teaching the rich lyrics to the kids.  I love passing down our beautiful musical legacy to these kids.  "Across the Land" is also a good song that celebrates God's creation.

Last night I let the kids play instruments as we practiced our songs.  They had worked hard all month to learn these songs so it was good to let them have some fun.  And, I've been fighting a cold so my throat wasn't up to a whole lot of singing with my guitar.

Next week we begin with "Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us."  I love Psalm 23, but I'll admit this isn't one of my favorite hymns.  I actually debated whether or not to teach it.  I decided to do it because of the rich, beautiful truth of God being our shepherd and we sang it in "big church" not too long ago.  It may not be super fun, but it's a good song to know.  That said, I decided at the end of the time, we will sing "10,000 Reasons" as a reminder of how thankful we should be for all our loving shepherd has given us.

It's tricky teaching kids these days.  They want to be entertained and my own 3 boys don't love the music time.  I have to remind myself that part of teaching kids is what I call the "meat and potatoes" truths of the bible.  For my 20 minutes it might not all be bells and whistles and fun, but they're learning the truths that grow our faith and knowledge of who God is. 

Jane Austen is my patronus

Mash-ups seem to be popular.  I love the Piano Guys who do mash-ups of classical and not classical music.  My favorite of theirs is a Star Wars song paired with a classical song.  I also love "Fight Song" paired with "Amazing Grace."  It brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it because I think it reveals a deep truth that God's grace is my fight song.

Last summer I took my boys to a Harry Potter birthday party at a library in a neighboring town.  It was fun.  Our local library didn't have one so I asked the children's director about it.  Oh, there are fantastic plans in the works for this summer.  Very cool.

I noticed at the Harry Potter party that moms had cool Harry Potter shirts.  I decided my wardrobe is lacking and I need one, too.  I searched Amazon and found a plethora of options.  One caught my eye that said "Lorelei Gilmore is my patronus."  Being a huge fan of the Gilmore Girls, I giggled but it didn't quite fit me.  I searched a little further and found the perfect one:  Jane Austen is my patronus.

For Christmas, my sweet husband gave this to me.  I love it.  The problem is my Jane Austen people don't know Harry Potter and my Harry Potter people don't quite understand my love of all things Austen.  I myself am a unique mash-up.

Why do I love Austen?  I just do.  I read Pride and Prejudice as a senior in high school.  I was in AP English and it was on a list of optional books that were recommended reading.  I loved it.  I took a winter term class about Jane Austen my freshman year in college where we studied all her books and even had a Jane Austen expert teach us how to dance in the style of the time.  Wonderful.  Not wonderful enough to change my major to English, but I still really enjoyed it.

After college I met my husband.  We went on a few dates but I knew I wasn't ready to settle down yet.  I was headed to Madrid to complete my Master's in Spanish and he would remain in Texas.  When I told him I thought we needed to stop dating since he was clearly ready for marriage and I just wasn't yet, he told me he had read Pride and Prejudice for me since I had mentioned it was my favorite book.  I kept dating him.  I love that even though Jane Austen is not a favorite of his (way too wordy for his taste) he read the whole book for me.  (Quick side note--I read The Hobbit for him around the same time.  Not my cup of tea).  We can thank Jane Austen for our happy 14 1/2 years as man and wife.

Harry Potter is just awesome.  It's a great story.  I didn't love it at first but I really got into the complexity of Snape's character.  Is he good or bad?  My favorite character of the series is Neville.  (I hope I spelled that right.  Sorry if I didn't).  I talk Harry Potter a lot at the library with the customer service representative while I'm checking out books.  I asked who his favorite character is and he said Hermoinine.  (Sorry again about spelling.  It's Saturday and I just don't feel like looking these crazy British names up).  Yes, H is lovely and oh so smart, and my husband assures me I'm his H.  So sweet.  However, Neville is loyal, kind, brave and the underdog.  I will always root for the underdog. 

This quality drives my oldest son crazy.  I will cheer for whoever I feel like in sporting events regardless of my loyalty to the team.  Greatness is greatness and should be applauded. 

My fantastic sister-in-law saw my new shirt over Christmas break and encouraged me to wear it proudly whenever I feel like and not worry if others get it or not.  And I am.  And I love it.  The whole patronus thing in the books was never completely clear to me, but to me, Jane Austen makes me happy.  She lets the ick of the world loose its power for a moment and I smile.

And when I wear it to the library's Harry Potter birthday party this summer I will happily explain its meaning to whoever asks. 

Not perfect

I don't know where I got this idea, but I feel like everything I have to do has to be completely perfect all of the time.  Where did I learn that?  More importantly, how can I unlearn it?

I started a new job this week.  I've come to expect the "ick" that comes with all things in this life, especially new things.  Don't get me wrong--I'm still an optimist.  However, this is a fallen world.  We tell our boys "Life ain't fair and the world is mean."  Expecting this world to be perfect is setting yourself up for disappointment.  I do that and then get grumpy about it.  I'm trying to learn to just go with the flow a bit more, accept that all's not perfect and just be happy with my best.  Easier said than done. 

Well, I'm teaching college kids.  This is a new adventure and one I feel mostly qualified for.  No, I feel completely qualified to actually teach this class.  I actually really enjoy the teaching.  For me, the "ick" is the technology.  There's a lot of it and it drains me. 

The good news is that the students are kind and helpful.  I told them I'm really, really good at Spanish and teaching.  Technology is not my strong suit.  They get it and are quick to help out when I ask.  And by golly, I'm learning to be more comfortable with the technology.

So I'm giving myself grace to not be perfect at everything.  Feels good.

New Adventure

I recently realized I'm not doing enough to release emotions that build up in me.  The pace of life I lead is not the pace I think God intended for us:  juggling home, family, church and two new jobs is just hard.  Having "tween" boys doesn't help;  they emit lots of emotions and I find that I can stay calm, but it takes a toll on me emotionally.

It's been a while since I've posted on here.  A friend said her daughter is beginning a blog and I was reminded how much I enjoy writing.  I decided to begin posting again.  It's a great way for me to release the emotions and stress that are making me grouchy.

Since I last posted I worked in a new field and have since decided to leave it.  I don't love that since leaving full-time teaching 10 years ago when my boys were born I haven't landed on my "dream job" back in the work force.  In the past few years I've worked part-time as a Spanish tutor at the local community college, taught elementary Spanish at a homeschool co-op and conducted speech therapy sessions with kids as a therapy assistant.

A few years ago my husband challenged me to decide what I wanted to do outside the home when my youngest began kindergarten.  After reading, praying and soul-searching I knew the specific job wasn't so clear but that it needed to be something that would help make the world better and it should include my ability to use Spanish.  All of the jobs I've done since that time have fit and I've come to learn that while juggling all my other hats, my job outside the home might not be absolutely perfect.

I think the expectation that a job is perfect is unrealistic.  At the end of the day, Christ should fill my needs, not a certain profession.  All that said, I've taken a new job that begins Tuesday.  I am going to be a Spanish instructor at a local community college.  It's the same class I tutored a few years ago but at a different location.  Instead of tutoring, I'll be the instructor.  When tutoring I noticed some trends:  poor study habits, lack of confidence in learning the subject matter and just a general defeatist attitude.  I'm hoping that I can lead this class to not fall into those traps.

I've never taught students older than 6th grade before now, but I have a Master's in Spanish and I know how to teach.  I'm confident I'll figure it out as I go along and if I need help there's a fantastic support system in place.

I'm also substitute teaching.  Wow, that's a special job.  It's tiring and I'm doing it to supplement my income as teaching one section at a community college doesn't pay all that well.  It's a great way to work truly part-time when I choose to but it's lonely and it reminds me of how much I used to love being a part of the community of other teachers at an elementary school.  But those teachers work really hard and put in many, many hours.  I'm just not ready to do all that again when my kids are still at this age. 

So, my new adventure of teaching college kids awaits.  I've printed off the syllabus for the class and prepared for the first class meeting.  Wish me luck!