I had a moment yesterday morning when I felt mad. Mad that I have so many household duties. I spoke with my husband about it and he graciously agreed that now I'm back at work part-time, it's unfair that I'm still doing the vast majority of the household tasks.
As a way to fix this, I told him I would list everything I do to make our home and family run and then we would discuss how to split things up. Today I started that list. It's long.
I'm such a people pleaser that this confrontation was hard for me and afterwards I felt bad. However, for 7 years I've been home full-time and I've done a good job with the tasks I've been responsible for. The day has come for what I'm responsible for to shift.
I look forward to having a talk with Aaron where we discuss the tasks and discuss what he wants to do, what the boys can take more responsibility for and what will be my responsibilities.
Growing pains are a part of life. As I grow into being a working mom, I have to let the guilt I tend to carry about not doing everything perfectly go. A 90% is still an A. A mom in the moment, happy with her life is even better.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Chickens, snakes & lawns
I thumbed through the first chapter and enjoyed it. Today I'll skim through more of it and see if it tickles my fancy. Not holding my breath, but at least I'm giving it the old college try.
This afternoon per my request, our Sunday School class is coming over for a fellowship. Just a come and go time for the families to spend some time together. Many have games, karate meets, etc that fill up Saturdays so I'm not even sure if anyone will come out, but the house had to be cleaned regardless.
The trick with Aaron working full time while also trying to get our farm off the ground is that his time is at a premium. Seeds had to get planted today. So, in an effort to support him, I volunteered to mow the lawn and clean the house, freeing him up to do what he needed to do at the farm.
I'm not opposed to mowing the lawn, but our riding lawn mower has been converted into his tractor, so this meant doing our sizable lawn with the push mower. Not the easiest, but I like exercise so I got to work. I did a "good enough" job, knowing it will have to be done again before too long. At least it's good enough that I won't be embarrassed if/when friends come over.
As I was mowing, a little snake slithered out of my path. The prissy part of me wanted to go in and quit at that point, but I'm not strong enough to restart the mower if it turns off and I don't like having to call Aaron back to help, so I kept at it. The snake was clearly more scared of me and the mower than I was of him.
One of my sons brought me water a few times as I kept truckin'. I'm pretty proud of the job I did.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Library bliss
My husband works in a really nice, huge library. He's the financial director of it, so even though he's not a librarian, he gets to be surrounded by books. What a perfect fit for our family.
Yesterday I had time between dropping off #3 at his MDO and teaching my class at 12:30. What to do? I took a walk, had a late breakfast at Chick fil a and then went to the library.
The walk was fantastic. We're studying the book of Luke at CBS, so I listened to our chapter as I walked. Very cool. Chick fil a is always great and even better when I'm not policing my kids in the play place. But the best was the library.
I've decided I'm going to do a Spanish-speaking country spotlight each week for my older class. I'm going to start with Mexico so I can tie in their Independence Day on Sept 16. Problem is I don't know much about it, but I took the time yesterday to do a bit of research. I had honestly forgotten how much I love learning something new that I'm passionate about. After a bit of reading, I could easily fill a whole class period just on the historical significance of that holiday. Of course, the challenge for me will be how to teach just a snapshot of it. My goal is to introduce it and then make a homework assignment about it if they're really interested.
It feels so good to use my brain again! I love that it's still there and in working order!
Yesterday I had time between dropping off #3 at his MDO and teaching my class at 12:30. What to do? I took a walk, had a late breakfast at Chick fil a and then went to the library.
The walk was fantastic. We're studying the book of Luke at CBS, so I listened to our chapter as I walked. Very cool. Chick fil a is always great and even better when I'm not policing my kids in the play place. But the best was the library.
I've decided I'm going to do a Spanish-speaking country spotlight each week for my older class. I'm going to start with Mexico so I can tie in their Independence Day on Sept 16. Problem is I don't know much about it, but I took the time yesterday to do a bit of research. I had honestly forgotten how much I love learning something new that I'm passionate about. After a bit of reading, I could easily fill a whole class period just on the historical significance of that holiday. Of course, the challenge for me will be how to teach just a snapshot of it. My goal is to introduce it and then make a homework assignment about it if they're really interested.
It feels so good to use my brain again! I love that it's still there and in working order!
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
92 is still an A
I finished reading The Cure to the Perfect Life by Kathi Lipp and it was a great thing to read right now. I'm transitioning from staying home full time, which while a blessing, was a real challenge for me. Now, I'm part-time teaching and I'm figuring out how to balance my time as I go.
Yesterday was the first day and overall, it went well. It went better than I thought it would. Had I been stepping into the kind of teaching I used to do, I think it would have been fantastic. However, what I'm doing now is very new for me and I'm figuring it out as I go.
If I had to give myself a grade on how yesterday went overall, I would give myself a 92%. There were some things that weren't perfect, but all in all a great day. I read in the book about a woman who was told by her boss that 90% is still an A. Wise words.
I'm bothered by the 8% that wasn't perfect yesterday. Geesh. I've got to let it go! I asked my husband how he walks away from his job and leaves it there. He said he just does. Lucky duck. I just don't work like that. But it's my goal to learn.
This week is weird with having Labor Day and with my classes starting, so I'm giving myself permission to do as I need to this week. However, next week I'm going to log how I spend my days. The quantity of time I spend on housework tasks, son tasks, work tasks, church tasks, etc and then I want to be sure how I'm spending my time is what I really want or if I need to tweak. I also want to be sure I'm getting some me time in there.
The irony is that work tasks feel like me time because I really do enjoy teaching. Score!
Yesterday was the first day and overall, it went well. It went better than I thought it would. Had I been stepping into the kind of teaching I used to do, I think it would have been fantastic. However, what I'm doing now is very new for me and I'm figuring it out as I go.
If I had to give myself a grade on how yesterday went overall, I would give myself a 92%. There were some things that weren't perfect, but all in all a great day. I read in the book about a woman who was told by her boss that 90% is still an A. Wise words.
I'm bothered by the 8% that wasn't perfect yesterday. Geesh. I've got to let it go! I asked my husband how he walks away from his job and leaves it there. He said he just does. Lucky duck. I just don't work like that. But it's my goal to learn.
This week is weird with having Labor Day and with my classes starting, so I'm giving myself permission to do as I need to this week. However, next week I'm going to log how I spend my days. The quantity of time I spend on housework tasks, son tasks, work tasks, church tasks, etc and then I want to be sure how I'm spending my time is what I really want or if I need to tweak. I also want to be sure I'm getting some me time in there.
The irony is that work tasks feel like me time because I really do enjoy teaching. Score!
Friday, August 29, 2014
Saying no when I don't want to
This week has been crazy. School started for my 1st graders but my little guy and I didn't have our regular schedules back up and going yet. We normally have family dinner at the table every night except for Wednesday when we have fellowship supper at church. This week, I cooked on Monday and that was it. No other day, due to orientations for #3's programs. While the break from cooking was nice, the busy pace wasn't. I also got a filling on Tuesday. Yuck. Brush and floss well, friends. Fillings aren't much fun. The emotion from this week was so high that while the dentist was working over my cavity, tears starting falling down my cheeks. Not from pain or even discomfort; I just had too long to sit there and think about how sad I was that my baby is turning 5 soon and my twins are in 1st grade. Where has the time gone?
I knew this week would take a toll on me. It did. Today was our MOPs Open House where new moms come and find out about MOPs while "old" moms greet them and catch up from the summer. When I was in leadership, I LOVED the Open House day. I made it my goal to meet every new mom that came in the door. Beautiful relationships began those days. Such sweet memories.
#3 is at a different place than his brothers have ever been. Whereas they always had each other, he doesn't have a buddy and he just doesn't like playing with kids younger than him. Yesterday he went with me to my new job and while I met with the other teachers, he played guns and swords with boys that were older and he really liked it. Anyway. I asked if he wanted to go to the MOPs Open House and he said no. OK.
So, what did I do instead of something I know I would have enjoyed? Clean my sink. My in-laws are coming in this afternoon and they both help with dishes and cooking while here, so I thought the least I could do was clean the sink for them. I'm glad I did.
We also had some errands, including the grocery store, so the house didn't get a thorough cleaning, but I'll do the high points later this afternoon.
#2 asked yesterday after school if I would eat lunch with him today. Before thinking, I said yes. After he went to bed, I realized my yes should have been no. While all 3 of my boys love it, eating lunch with them at school wears me out. It also makes me miss teaching.
The easy out today would have been to scurry around at the grocery to be back in time for the lunch at 11:05. Instead, this morning I calmly told #2 my reason for not going to lunch today: groceries and getting the house ready for company. He was fine with it. He knows I'll come another day.
This weekend I have to get my webpage on my school's website set up. I need it set up before next Tuesday and I don't want to worry over it. I'm afraid it's going to be a tar baby (meaning that it's a project that will become much more involved than you think it will be) and I'm timid to start it before Aaron is here to be my IT backup. Dude is great with trouble shooting whereas I just get upset.
The emotions I feel from starting a new job are surprising me and they're spilling over into my dread of setting up this webpage (and the fact I've never done anything like this before).
I love teaching and I feel confident that this will be a blessing to me and my family, but yesterday I was hit with the reality that I'm not going to be 100% mom anymore. Even though the rational part of me knows my boys need for me to step back and allow more independence, I'm still sad.
I've been praying for balance and now it's time to trust that God will give me the wisdom I need for this new step.
I knew this week would take a toll on me. It did. Today was our MOPs Open House where new moms come and find out about MOPs while "old" moms greet them and catch up from the summer. When I was in leadership, I LOVED the Open House day. I made it my goal to meet every new mom that came in the door. Beautiful relationships began those days. Such sweet memories.
#3 is at a different place than his brothers have ever been. Whereas they always had each other, he doesn't have a buddy and he just doesn't like playing with kids younger than him. Yesterday he went with me to my new job and while I met with the other teachers, he played guns and swords with boys that were older and he really liked it. Anyway. I asked if he wanted to go to the MOPs Open House and he said no. OK.
So, what did I do instead of something I know I would have enjoyed? Clean my sink. My in-laws are coming in this afternoon and they both help with dishes and cooking while here, so I thought the least I could do was clean the sink for them. I'm glad I did.
We also had some errands, including the grocery store, so the house didn't get a thorough cleaning, but I'll do the high points later this afternoon.
#2 asked yesterday after school if I would eat lunch with him today. Before thinking, I said yes. After he went to bed, I realized my yes should have been no. While all 3 of my boys love it, eating lunch with them at school wears me out. It also makes me miss teaching.
The easy out today would have been to scurry around at the grocery to be back in time for the lunch at 11:05. Instead, this morning I calmly told #2 my reason for not going to lunch today: groceries and getting the house ready for company. He was fine with it. He knows I'll come another day.
This weekend I have to get my webpage on my school's website set up. I need it set up before next Tuesday and I don't want to worry over it. I'm afraid it's going to be a tar baby (meaning that it's a project that will become much more involved than you think it will be) and I'm timid to start it before Aaron is here to be my IT backup. Dude is great with trouble shooting whereas I just get upset.
The emotions I feel from starting a new job are surprising me and they're spilling over into my dread of setting up this webpage (and the fact I've never done anything like this before).
I love teaching and I feel confident that this will be a blessing to me and my family, but yesterday I was hit with the reality that I'm not going to be 100% mom anymore. Even though the rational part of me knows my boys need for me to step back and allow more independence, I'm still sad.
I've been praying for balance and now it's time to trust that God will give me the wisdom I need for this new step.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Letting go of school lunch
I love the song "Letting Go." It needs to be my theme song. I cling so tightly to so many rules. Many of them are good for a season but I need to reevaluate from time to time.
I clung to healthy eating for my kids for a long time. Looking back, their lunches for MDO really were a thing of beauty. And even back then, I remember them complaining that the other kids had food that was more fun, namely powdered donuts, lunchables and hot dogs. I tried the hot dogs for them, but it just didn't work out. I'm oddly opposed to lunchables and I can't explain why. When we go on an outing, I grab them because they're way cheaper than going to McDonald's.
One of the most irritating things about my big boys starting school is that they became more aware of their power of choice. They didn't have me or another adult telling them to eat their lunches. They are relatively great eaters and I've been blessed by that, but somehow seeing daily the powdered donuts and hot dogs made them aware of how different my expectations were.
We had a system last year: after homework, I would ask each boy if they wanted school lunch according to the school menu. If not, they would choose a protein, carb and fruit. This worked pretty well until #2 decided he didn't like sandwiches at all. Grr.
It's tricky to buy enough food healthy food that they will actually eat. And if they won't eat it, it's just a waste. What's a mom to do?
Take a deep breath and let my high standards go. Accept that this is a chance for them to gain some independence and a chance for me to work with them. The end goal is to raise men who can make good choices when I'm not there. Wish it was easier, but such is life.
I clung to healthy eating for my kids for a long time. Looking back, their lunches for MDO really were a thing of beauty. And even back then, I remember them complaining that the other kids had food that was more fun, namely powdered donuts, lunchables and hot dogs. I tried the hot dogs for them, but it just didn't work out. I'm oddly opposed to lunchables and I can't explain why. When we go on an outing, I grab them because they're way cheaper than going to McDonald's.
One of the most irritating things about my big boys starting school is that they became more aware of their power of choice. They didn't have me or another adult telling them to eat their lunches. They are relatively great eaters and I've been blessed by that, but somehow seeing daily the powdered donuts and hot dogs made them aware of how different my expectations were.
We had a system last year: after homework, I would ask each boy if they wanted school lunch according to the school menu. If not, they would choose a protein, carb and fruit. This worked pretty well until #2 decided he didn't like sandwiches at all. Grr.
It's tricky to buy enough food healthy food that they will actually eat. And if they won't eat it, it's just a waste. What's a mom to do?
Take a deep breath and let my high standards go. Accept that this is a chance for them to gain some independence and a chance for me to work with them. The end goal is to raise men who can make good choices when I'm not there. Wish it was easier, but such is life.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
36 and thankful
Happy Birthday to me!
I'm 36 today and happy to be here. I love birthdays--they are a time to celebrate that we're created. I have to be careful on my birthday. I was adopted as a baby and if I think too long about the fact that this is the day a woman I've never met birthed me and gave me away I get a bit sad. Instead, I focus on the fact that this angel chose to sacrifice motherhood so I could go to a family ready to love a little redheaded girl.
We spoke of my adoption regularly as I was growing up and I'm so thankful my parents were brave enough to do so. It's part of my identity and I think that's why I've never had a huge issue with it.
They told me on the application form, one of the questions was if they would take a redhead right along with if they would take a black or Indian baby. Now I see why--people ask a lot if my parents have red hair. I don't look like them, or act like them.
Sometimes that's a lonely place to be. I find myself asking Aaron if a redheaded actress looks like me. His response is usually no and he'll tell me she's too tall or her face is too long or whatever. Part of me just wants to feel like I belong somewhere.
Yesterday I met with my new boss and the meeting went really well. All my questions were answered and I left with a renewed sense of purpose and excitement about teaching Spanish. I've never done parts of this job before and I'm excited to take it on. I'm confident I can bring something really fantastic to this job and I'm ready to do it.
For my birthday I really thought about gathering up a bunch of my girl friends to have dinner. When I turned 30 I invited 30 of my friends to join me for a paint the pottery afternoon. I was amazed at how many showed up. We had a fantastic time. 6 years later I'm at a different place. I love being with my friends but the energy and drama it takes to coordinate that many women wears me out. I'm going to head over to the big city tonight to do some shopping at some of my fave stores: Mardel, Container Store and Half Price Books. I had hoped to go with a good friend, but she had to be out of town today. So, I'll take Aaron tonight before we go dancing.
Dancing! I love going dancing and we've not done it much since kids came along. We went in Luckenbach for our 10th anniversary and were reminded how much we love it. Aaron is such a good dancer and I love dancing along with him. There's just nothing like it.
When I start down the adoption path it's easy to get a little sad. There's a woman out there that 36 years ago made the decision to say good-bye to me because she loved me. That's amazing. I would love to meet her and say thanks. I've heard that it's normal for adopted children to have a dream that their birth mother is this beautiful, magical person. I used to think that Reba McIntyre was my birth mom except that she's the wrong age and way too tall.
Why do I not pursue meeting her? My parents asked me not to. I remember my dad simply asking I not do it, way back when I was about middle school age. He told me it would hurt my mom. Of all they've give me, I can give them that.
Besides, the reality is that I'm full. I have loving parents and a kind brother. The family on Aaron's side is wonderful and I find acceptance there. I have fantastic friends and a church family that I adore. And I have Christ who loves and accepts me no matter what.
Part of me is afraid to find her. What if she's not like Reba? What if she's someone I don't want to have a relationship with? What if I don't want her to have a relationship with my sons? For now, it's just best to leave that door closed. I haven't researched it, but from what my parents told me long ago, for us to be reunited we would both have to contact someone--the adoption agency or I guess the courthouse that sealed the adoption for us to be reunited. Perhaps today she's thinking of me and has contacted them. I would love to just say thanks today for lovingly caring for me for 9 months as I grew inside her womb and for choosing a Christian family to raise me. They did a great job. She made a great choice.
But today I choose to find my identity in Christ not the fantasy of who I might be related to by birth. The best parts of me are the ones I've allowed Christ to create in me. Yes, I still find myself feeling on the outside sometimes and wishing I looked like someone, but it's OK. Aaron loves the way I look and I'm so much more than my outward appearance.
I'm 36 today and happy to be here. I love birthdays--they are a time to celebrate that we're created. I have to be careful on my birthday. I was adopted as a baby and if I think too long about the fact that this is the day a woman I've never met birthed me and gave me away I get a bit sad. Instead, I focus on the fact that this angel chose to sacrifice motherhood so I could go to a family ready to love a little redheaded girl.
We spoke of my adoption regularly as I was growing up and I'm so thankful my parents were brave enough to do so. It's part of my identity and I think that's why I've never had a huge issue with it.
They told me on the application form, one of the questions was if they would take a redhead right along with if they would take a black or Indian baby. Now I see why--people ask a lot if my parents have red hair. I don't look like them, or act like them.
Sometimes that's a lonely place to be. I find myself asking Aaron if a redheaded actress looks like me. His response is usually no and he'll tell me she's too tall or her face is too long or whatever. Part of me just wants to feel like I belong somewhere.
Yesterday I met with my new boss and the meeting went really well. All my questions were answered and I left with a renewed sense of purpose and excitement about teaching Spanish. I've never done parts of this job before and I'm excited to take it on. I'm confident I can bring something really fantastic to this job and I'm ready to do it.
For my birthday I really thought about gathering up a bunch of my girl friends to have dinner. When I turned 30 I invited 30 of my friends to join me for a paint the pottery afternoon. I was amazed at how many showed up. We had a fantastic time. 6 years later I'm at a different place. I love being with my friends but the energy and drama it takes to coordinate that many women wears me out. I'm going to head over to the big city tonight to do some shopping at some of my fave stores: Mardel, Container Store and Half Price Books. I had hoped to go with a good friend, but she had to be out of town today. So, I'll take Aaron tonight before we go dancing.
Dancing! I love going dancing and we've not done it much since kids came along. We went in Luckenbach for our 10th anniversary and were reminded how much we love it. Aaron is such a good dancer and I love dancing along with him. There's just nothing like it.
When I start down the adoption path it's easy to get a little sad. There's a woman out there that 36 years ago made the decision to say good-bye to me because she loved me. That's amazing. I would love to meet her and say thanks. I've heard that it's normal for adopted children to have a dream that their birth mother is this beautiful, magical person. I used to think that Reba McIntyre was my birth mom except that she's the wrong age and way too tall.
Why do I not pursue meeting her? My parents asked me not to. I remember my dad simply asking I not do it, way back when I was about middle school age. He told me it would hurt my mom. Of all they've give me, I can give them that.
Besides, the reality is that I'm full. I have loving parents and a kind brother. The family on Aaron's side is wonderful and I find acceptance there. I have fantastic friends and a church family that I adore. And I have Christ who loves and accepts me no matter what.
Part of me is afraid to find her. What if she's not like Reba? What if she's someone I don't want to have a relationship with? What if I don't want her to have a relationship with my sons? For now, it's just best to leave that door closed. I haven't researched it, but from what my parents told me long ago, for us to be reunited we would both have to contact someone--the adoption agency or I guess the courthouse that sealed the adoption for us to be reunited. Perhaps today she's thinking of me and has contacted them. I would love to just say thanks today for lovingly caring for me for 9 months as I grew inside her womb and for choosing a Christian family to raise me. They did a great job. She made a great choice.
But today I choose to find my identity in Christ not the fantasy of who I might be related to by birth. The best parts of me are the ones I've allowed Christ to create in me. Yes, I still find myself feeling on the outside sometimes and wishing I looked like someone, but it's OK. Aaron loves the way I look and I'm so much more than my outward appearance.
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